at my low

my grandmas in hospital again
:(
tho she seems fine
i hate it when shes there
it makes me scared
scared to think that someday
maybe soon
she'll have to go
and i hate it when ppl talk and say
tat day seems to be comming
for shes been too hurt my her sons death last year
my uncle
and hurt at this age
is a strong trigger
for ones own departure
and its times like that
when i hate myslef
for not being able to speak tamil
for tho its clear that we love each other
the love isnt expressed to its fullest
:(
i'll make it up to her in my next life
..
for now i'll just enjoy being with her

and today
a reminder of a certain moment
a moment of hurt
became so clear
that i started hurting again
and tho i said moments always pass
i have a strange feeling
that some just are here to stay
and tho the pain will eventually go
it will still lay in me
deep within
but in me nontheless
the most hurting of all :
im powerless
i cant do anything
and cant talk no more
cant talk to anyone
coz no one can make the pain go away
so whats there to do?
cry...cry it all out...
the flow tears somehow help
coz once u push all the sadness out of u
it kind of leaves more room
for joy and satisfaction
and it leaves more opportunity
to forget
and leave what needs to be left in the past
and to run far away form it
never looking back
run till its out of sight
and no longer matters
no longer part of my life