aye He's here

And i'll look up at the skies
such splendour
and i'll say
aye, He's here

and i'll look at the trees
a strange contrast
against the condemnation
of mens creation
and i'll say
aye, He's here

and i'll look towards white curls
the waves embracing the rocks
and i'll say
aye, He's here

then i'll look beside me
the emptiness stings
and i'll ask
where is He?

he'll reply and say:
give me your hand
and you will feel my presence
right here
embrace my love
my support

He's getting louder
but I'm getting further
and further
and i'll drown in my anger
engulfed
by soul eating mites
known as fear

and will i say
aye, I'm alone
or shall it be
aye, He's here?

my decision to make

hope + surrender

went to the deans office today
with niva
anisha tagged along
like some pet rat (hehe..sorry dear!)

the funniest thing was that the lady at the desk
was shocked herself..
haha
and if shes shocked.
(she works there!)
seriously what bout me
but im glad
theres a lot of hope in me

and with hope
comes believe

anw
i was doing a bit of thinking
(more thinking than tears todae! :) )
if this is really a test of faith
do i wanna fail??
no
i would want Him to know that
my faiths unwavering
so far
ive failed
but its never too late
so ive changed my whole perspective
altho im still upset
im gng to make an effort to
SURRENDER
and just leave everything at His feet
for.....

"My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY, my God can do anything for me, for me!"
(this was my favourite song in primary school..got actions to it too..hehe..)

update

4 ppl think its a mistake
one of which is a prof at nus
another one used to lecture there
if it really is
then good
it'll all be solved sooner than i thought it would
BUT
i'll be so mad with them
which i already am lah
just that im capable of gettting more angry
im dead serious bout stuff like that

had i nice convo with a friend
a good fren
whos already there
told her how i never expected to be this affected
told her how i feel so utterly down
and i asked her would she be?
coz i know ppl have told me to move on from the emotions
some have said im getting too stuck in it
some have even used the phrase 'self sympathy'
and she assured me
all these emotions
were normal
that she too would have felt like that
even now too
she said she felt like crying
coz it was just not right

its amazing how the first reaction i get
from people tat i tell
its utter SHOCK
as in really SHOCK
no one can believe it
everyone either thinks sths wrong with the system
or its utterly ridiculous
if they are shock
imagine how i felt when i got the news
beyond shock

out of control

its no better
tomorrow i will know
at least half of the story
i will call them
and i will find out
if they will keep it for me
or take it away

if its taken away
i have nothing to say
i cringe at predicting
what i will be feeling
or what i will do
:(

devastation

when i woke up this morning
i kinda forgot it happened
then i remembered
but i seemed calm
so i thought maybe its settling down in me
maybe im getting a hold of myself
went for the yagna
and sudenly all the emotions cameback to me
the anger grew
grew out of proportion
forced me to walk away
forced me to turn my back on him
first time in my life
refused to help in the clearing up
refused to lift a fingure
came back and slept
thru the anger
thru the tears
woke up
and the anger was still burning
strong...
all i feel like doing now
is stupid things
or on a milder note
throwing sth at the wall really hard
but ive got to resist the stupidity

horridness

didnt sleep at night
AT ALL
talked to HIM
told Him i dont get y it ended up this way
this wasnt the plan
this shouldnt be the end
i still cant take it

had to be at moulmein at 5.30am
cried discreetely
(think ive mastered the art of discreete crying) :)
tough trying my best not to cry
during the filming...

i had horrid thoughts last night
thoughts that scared the hell out of me
coz the urge to execute wat i was thinking was so strong
thank God i met aunty sandra last nite
else i seriously dont know what i would have done to me

sound like a cry baby?
am i over doing the emotions?
try having your dreams all shattered in one night
try feeling all lost without a clue whats going to happen next
Try being given your dream
and having it taken away within a week
Try experiencing real unfairness and shame
try putting on all thats going thru me right now....

thanks to those that understand
thanks to those that have been there
thanks to those that are creating some direction for me

uncle sunthar talked to me for a little while today
what he said was really sweet and nice
but it hurt more
coz if HE thought the same way as uncle
then why always reward me with the shit
why always stick me into a pile of crap
and expect me to find my way out somehow
....
it hurts
hope He knows that

as for now
im going to do whatever i can
and altho this anger is so real
this anger towards Him
is so real
im still going to cling on to Him
for under all this anger
lies the strong love and faith
that i have built up all these years
i cant stop loving Him
no matter what
and somehow
i know he's going to solve this mess for me
for ...
"all things work for good to them that love God"..so says the holy Bible..

and im so gald ive got the centre..
i knew the people there
will always be there for me..thanks to all of them
for they have shown themsleves to be true gems in my life
ALL of them
i know they are doing what they can now too
to get me out of this mess
:)
they are one of the reasons y i still cling to Him
for he's given me them
and i thank Him for that
:)

sad

Sometimes when he does things
he doesnt think how much it hurts
he just does it anw
with this excuse
'it makes you stornger'
yeah true
maybe it does
but once in a while
i dont mind things just falling into place
i dont mind hveing everything settled
i dont mind being happy


havent cried this much in a long while
havent felt this shitty in a long while
never been this vulgar
:(

i wish everything settles down soon
please dont give me my dream
then shatter it straight away

i pray that you show me the light soon

this sadness and anger
im afraid is just going to grow
trying to rationalise
but my emotions are quite strong

this cant be happening
tell me its not happening
please
just tell me this is a dream
and its all in my imagination
please