horridness

didnt sleep at night
AT ALL
talked to HIM
told Him i dont get y it ended up this way
this wasnt the plan
this shouldnt be the end
i still cant take it

had to be at moulmein at 5.30am
cried discreetely
(think ive mastered the art of discreete crying) :)
tough trying my best not to cry
during the filming...

i had horrid thoughts last night
thoughts that scared the hell out of me
coz the urge to execute wat i was thinking was so strong
thank God i met aunty sandra last nite
else i seriously dont know what i would have done to me

sound like a cry baby?
am i over doing the emotions?
try having your dreams all shattered in one night
try feeling all lost without a clue whats going to happen next
Try being given your dream
and having it taken away within a week
Try experiencing real unfairness and shame
try putting on all thats going thru me right now....

thanks to those that understand
thanks to those that have been there
thanks to those that are creating some direction for me

uncle sunthar talked to me for a little while today
what he said was really sweet and nice
but it hurt more
coz if HE thought the same way as uncle
then why always reward me with the shit
why always stick me into a pile of crap
and expect me to find my way out somehow
....
it hurts
hope He knows that

as for now
im going to do whatever i can
and altho this anger is so real
this anger towards Him
is so real
im still going to cling on to Him
for under all this anger
lies the strong love and faith
that i have built up all these years
i cant stop loving Him
no matter what
and somehow
i know he's going to solve this mess for me
for ...
"all things work for good to them that love God"..so says the holy Bible..

and im so gald ive got the centre..
i knew the people there
will always be there for me..thanks to all of them
for they have shown themsleves to be true gems in my life
ALL of them
i know they are doing what they can now too
to get me out of this mess
:)
they are one of the reasons y i still cling to Him
for he's given me them
and i thank Him for that
:)