questions??!?!????!???!??!!!!!!

excited?
i dunnoe u noe...
im beginning to wonder
if its really that big a deal
how come im not feeling much
still a bit numb
still a bit lost
still a bit astray

"19 is a crucial age
its when u decide who you are
what you want
where your heading
its when u ask
and ask
and then you decide
and choose
..."

yeah
i think your right
i think shes right
i think ive been choosing a lot this year
without knowing much
this year has been a year'
of many 'first times'
and these 'first times'
aernt exactly things that im proud of
have i decided who am i?
or am i far from deciding?
am i still on the fence?
knowing where i want to go
yet somehow resisting
knowing who i want to be
yet postponing the full realisation......

when is that time going to come?
when am i going to confidently say who i am
to decide and to believe
fully

its got to be soon
that i know
for too much waiting
is going to hurt me eventually
if its His work i want
then i better choose it
fast
if its His servant i want to be
than i better become it
fast.

im scared
and getting more scared each day
will i ever stray too far
too far to turn back
too far to be pulled back
????
will i ever decide?
once and for all

dinners!!!!!

the past two days have been so filled with food...like fooooooddddd!!!
i need to go for a run!!!
so the very next day after the SRKT charity dinner was sai prahlaths bdae party!!!!and yess,, food food and more food...the danger of buffets!....it was a fun time...but it seemed like rania and me were the only camwhores..we need to influence more ppl...heh

HAT FIGHT!!!!!.....uncle prem up to his craziness...hehe.. :)

eventually we became fascinated by the hats






















us again! :)

















me and aunty usha.. :) :)

and the very next day after that dinner...was another dinner in celebration of uncle sunthars bdae (26 june)...at quality hotel....chinese vegetarian BUFFET!!! yessss...BUFFET....uhoh

anw that was really really really fun!!!!!!....crazy...and i love crazy


















preparing to sing the bdae song to our dearest uncle sunthar


















and we sing..."happy bdae to u, happy bdae to u"



















evidence of pigging out...yikes






















love them lots! :)....




























me. aunty usha. hemma
















one final pic to end a happy day.. SMILE :)

thanks :)

22.06.07
the day i took out my dreams
from the pits of my heart
unfolded them
let them fly
to become a reality
once dreams
folded squares
now reality
real happiness
let to grow
let to become

i judged you
hid you away
struggled to trust
but i knew you were there
for u loved me
for you love me
and now in all my joy
i will glorify
and praise
for its you and you alone
waiting for me
at the end of the race.

ppl to thank
mum, naina (dad), ana (bro) : for the countless nites of praying for me, for sharing my disappointment, fr being there, for driving around to run errands, for calling all the contacts, for communicating, for loving, fro putting up with my temper and bad moods

aunty ranga: for going all out to do all she could, for getting me a back up plan, for being there
aunty sandra, aunty usha, uncle sunthar: for being a pillar of support from the very beggining,for countless days of comfort, for keeping me in their prayers everyday, for understanding, for listening
everyone else in the centre: hugs, smiles, support, comfort

nirmala pathey (aunty): for doing what she could in her power, going all out to push, for her re-assurance

anisha, abi, achu: for being the bestest friends, showering me with comfort..for being there

benjamin (anishas tutor): for doing what he could in his power despite me being a mere stranger

(centre friends) sharania, shiva,niva, thiru, jivs: for advice, for consolation

(school friends) stace, kez, nanthini, esther, clement: for support, for consolation

HIM...: for putting me thru this for a good reason that i shalll understand soon...for loving me unconditionally despite my anger directed to Him..for..love, love, love

:)

SRKT charity dinner

the reason why i love them sooo much??
coz they have left lasting smiles in my heart
lasting happiness in my journeys to come
:)

zoomongous mania

yes yes, a repetition of two blogs
but give some chance lah...to express my zoomongous feeling in my own way

where: everyones (everyone who came excluding me) ancestral area, country of origin
who: strange creatures of the wild with the names - sharania, uma, sai, shiva, thiru, kumaran, jj

it was initiated by sharania...i wanted to go to the zoo too! then i get a call from her- an invitation to her home and the home of all her friends!...they were sooo generous when i visited their home...took me on a complete tour, where i got so see some of their real forms -> orang utan (sharania) , pigs (shiva)...ect ect....

and after they showed me their side of the world, i showed them my more civilized side..introduced all of them to a civilized game called pool...they were sooo excited to see sth sooo different (hehehehehehe)...so i taught them the game, since i am after all the best in it....
ahhh...okok..rekha, dnt lie, its bad for health. well, the truth..i suck at pool!!!!!! but im not the only one who sucks...thiru is baddddd too. so we decided to determine whos the ultimate loser at the game...and i shall proudly announce its not me...!!!!! i beat him! yay (sorry, i just had to boost my ego a bit..)

now for pictures....














we were jealous that the animals got to live behind bars.















not all survived the insanity















at the start!















there are times when we actually do look normal














looks like im a some goddess: shiva and rabia are my guarding animals amd thirus worshippin me. :) all hail rekha!














eeekzzzz!! eww (hehe..i like being mean)














the sophisticated (front), the unsophisticated (back)















I LOVEEE HORSES! my most fav animal in the whole wide world! was suppose to learn horse back riding this hols....where did all my moneyy gooooo???? sob sob...









thirus way of showing gratitude...sighhh....kids these days..

sunday morning

WEDDING

east coast

16.06.07
9:00pm-12am
east coast park
me.abi.achu.hemma aka.
aunty sandra.arul anne.manges aka.my bro

part 1:
fun
water
water rats
scream
subway
fun
fun
fun


part2:
rain rain go away
come again another day
we want to play
at the beach!
:(
cold....brrrrrrr
shelter
macs
milo
fries
ice cream
:)

nilaak kaaygiradhu

i love this song!! for those who have been following my blog, you would have seen in an earlier post that i had learnt the first two stanzas. but gess wat, ive learnt the whole song now! and yes, i do sound like an indian ok! i made sure my pronunciation is quite rite. u know waht i did, i sung the whole thing, recorded it in my phone, and listened to myself. good news: it does sound like an indian song and im singing it right. bad news: i sound like a kid!!!!u know those disney cartoons...little little mermaid..yes i sound like tat. i rmb diana said the same thing when i had to sing for our drama. :( sobs....i must try to force myslef to sound more mature...help!!!!!

nilaak kaaygiradhu naeram thaeygiradhu yaarum rasikkavillaiyae
indhak kangal mattum unnaik kaanum
thenral poaginradhu soalai sirikkinradhu yaarum sugikkavillaiyae
indhak kaigal mattum unnaith theendum
kaatru veesum veyyil kaayum kaayum adhil maatram aedhum illaiyae
aaaaaa...vaanum mannum nammai vaazhach chollum andha vaazhththu
oayavillai
enrenrum vaanil
(nilaak)
adhoa poaginradhu kaanal maegam mazhaiyai kaanavillaiyae
idhoa kaetkinradhu kuyilin soagam isaiyum kaetkavillaiyae
indha bhoomiyae poovanam endhan poovidhazh sarugudhae
indha vaazhkaiyae seedhanam adhil jeevanae thaeyudhae
(nilaak)

The week

k know i havent blogged in while. Frankly, i lost mood. Dunnoe y.but let just run thru all the things that i did this week so far.

sat:
temple washing
lunch
slack
meeting
but got cancelled

sun:
meeting for JOY booklet
slack with rania and sham
lunch
play and adore vishwar and vishvini
slack and plan with ani, achu, arul
try drums: i suck! :(
talk crap
LAUGH A LOT :)
some sort asthma attack

Mon:
east coast
with: abi, aunty sandra, some of the girls: vinee, lavens, darshini,jayanthi
cycling, acting crazy with vinee :)
long bus ride with abi and aunty sandra
slack at bis wit the 2 of them
chat, laugh : Fun :)
meeting
tired
happy

tues:
phone call
underlying message: not much chance
cry
cry cry
novena church
cry cry cry
temple
walk away
cry
puffed panda eyes
cry cry
headache
:(
sleepless night

wed:
black ringed eyes
compose
surrender
pray
trust
temple
home

thurs:
home
time wit mum
blog
dvd's
pray

Hopes and Dreams

DREAMS:
an inauthentic, false sense of security.
A brief interlude between the reality of the past and the reality of the future.
a pretense.

HOPE:
a temporary garment of relief.
self affirmation of detatchment from worry and fear.
a lie.

Ive been forced to hide both away.
both my hope and dreams
i have folded them into little squares
stacked them neatly at the back of my mind
in the pits of my heart
for they dont matter no more
they dont carve my future
they are little specks that obstruct
reality.

they force me to cling on
to my desires
to what I want
and in the process
push me to forget
that its not about
what i want
but what HE wants for me.

Declaration
Hopes and Dreams aside
'You take the lead. I trust You'

aye He's here

And i'll look up at the skies
such splendour
and i'll say
aye, He's here

and i'll look at the trees
a strange contrast
against the condemnation
of mens creation
and i'll say
aye, He's here

and i'll look towards white curls
the waves embracing the rocks
and i'll say
aye, He's here

then i'll look beside me
the emptiness stings
and i'll ask
where is He?

he'll reply and say:
give me your hand
and you will feel my presence
right here
embrace my love
my support

He's getting louder
but I'm getting further
and further
and i'll drown in my anger
engulfed
by soul eating mites
known as fear

and will i say
aye, I'm alone
or shall it be
aye, He's here?

my decision to make

hope + surrender

went to the deans office today
with niva
anisha tagged along
like some pet rat (hehe..sorry dear!)

the funniest thing was that the lady at the desk
was shocked herself..
haha
and if shes shocked.
(she works there!)
seriously what bout me
but im glad
theres a lot of hope in me

and with hope
comes believe

anw
i was doing a bit of thinking
(more thinking than tears todae! :) )
if this is really a test of faith
do i wanna fail??
no
i would want Him to know that
my faiths unwavering
so far
ive failed
but its never too late
so ive changed my whole perspective
altho im still upset
im gng to make an effort to
SURRENDER
and just leave everything at His feet
for.....

"My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY, my God can do anything for me, for me!"
(this was my favourite song in primary school..got actions to it too..hehe..)

update

4 ppl think its a mistake
one of which is a prof at nus
another one used to lecture there
if it really is
then good
it'll all be solved sooner than i thought it would
BUT
i'll be so mad with them
which i already am lah
just that im capable of gettting more angry
im dead serious bout stuff like that

had i nice convo with a friend
a good fren
whos already there
told her how i never expected to be this affected
told her how i feel so utterly down
and i asked her would she be?
coz i know ppl have told me to move on from the emotions
some have said im getting too stuck in it
some have even used the phrase 'self sympathy'
and she assured me
all these emotions
were normal
that she too would have felt like that
even now too
she said she felt like crying
coz it was just not right

its amazing how the first reaction i get
from people tat i tell
its utter SHOCK
as in really SHOCK
no one can believe it
everyone either thinks sths wrong with the system
or its utterly ridiculous
if they are shock
imagine how i felt when i got the news
beyond shock

out of control

its no better
tomorrow i will know
at least half of the story
i will call them
and i will find out
if they will keep it for me
or take it away

if its taken away
i have nothing to say
i cringe at predicting
what i will be feeling
or what i will do
:(

devastation

when i woke up this morning
i kinda forgot it happened
then i remembered
but i seemed calm
so i thought maybe its settling down in me
maybe im getting a hold of myself
went for the yagna
and sudenly all the emotions cameback to me
the anger grew
grew out of proportion
forced me to walk away
forced me to turn my back on him
first time in my life
refused to help in the clearing up
refused to lift a fingure
came back and slept
thru the anger
thru the tears
woke up
and the anger was still burning
strong...
all i feel like doing now
is stupid things
or on a milder note
throwing sth at the wall really hard
but ive got to resist the stupidity

horridness

didnt sleep at night
AT ALL
talked to HIM
told Him i dont get y it ended up this way
this wasnt the plan
this shouldnt be the end
i still cant take it

had to be at moulmein at 5.30am
cried discreetely
(think ive mastered the art of discreete crying) :)
tough trying my best not to cry
during the filming...

i had horrid thoughts last night
thoughts that scared the hell out of me
coz the urge to execute wat i was thinking was so strong
thank God i met aunty sandra last nite
else i seriously dont know what i would have done to me

sound like a cry baby?
am i over doing the emotions?
try having your dreams all shattered in one night
try feeling all lost without a clue whats going to happen next
Try being given your dream
and having it taken away within a week
Try experiencing real unfairness and shame
try putting on all thats going thru me right now....

thanks to those that understand
thanks to those that have been there
thanks to those that are creating some direction for me

uncle sunthar talked to me for a little while today
what he said was really sweet and nice
but it hurt more
coz if HE thought the same way as uncle
then why always reward me with the shit
why always stick me into a pile of crap
and expect me to find my way out somehow
....
it hurts
hope He knows that

as for now
im going to do whatever i can
and altho this anger is so real
this anger towards Him
is so real
im still going to cling on to Him
for under all this anger
lies the strong love and faith
that i have built up all these years
i cant stop loving Him
no matter what
and somehow
i know he's going to solve this mess for me
for ...
"all things work for good to them that love God"..so says the holy Bible..

and im so gald ive got the centre..
i knew the people there
will always be there for me..thanks to all of them
for they have shown themsleves to be true gems in my life
ALL of them
i know they are doing what they can now too
to get me out of this mess
:)
they are one of the reasons y i still cling to Him
for he's given me them
and i thank Him for that
:)

sad

Sometimes when he does things
he doesnt think how much it hurts
he just does it anw
with this excuse
'it makes you stornger'
yeah true
maybe it does
but once in a while
i dont mind things just falling into place
i dont mind hveing everything settled
i dont mind being happy


havent cried this much in a long while
havent felt this shitty in a long while
never been this vulgar
:(

i wish everything settles down soon
please dont give me my dream
then shatter it straight away

i pray that you show me the light soon

this sadness and anger
im afraid is just going to grow
trying to rationalise
but my emotions are quite strong

this cant be happening
tell me its not happening
please
just tell me this is a dream
and its all in my imagination
please