Thought Tracker

closure

2007-09-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

ive come to a decision
wont be updating anymore
hahahahahahahahahaha
well maybe not 'anymore'
for awhile la
for a number of reasons
'wasting time' is one
'lazy' is another
and 'pointless rambling' is another yet again
amongst the many others
so till 'the next time'
ciaos!
will inform when i actually start updating once again

pouts

2007-08-27T03:27:00.000-07:00

horrid horrid monday
SWAY! is the word
come, let me tell all of you a sad sad story

sunday:
felt a little sick
my tonsils were definitely inflammed
there was pus on it
tasted blood when i swallowed once in a while
ate only an apple the whole day
went to class
felt HORRID after that

monday:
not any better
didnt sleep the whole night coz the pain in my throat was BAD
temperature went up a little
cough
flu
HORRID

but its not being sick thats horrid. every1 falls sick once in awhile...its being SWAY, absolutely SWAY thats disturbing

continuation:
the plan:
see the doctor
go to school
im suppose to have my first sociology tutorial today
2pm-4pm
followed by my total war lecture
4pm-8pm
didnt know how i was going to survive from 2-8 w/o any substantial break
so i planned to go for tutorial and skip lecture

went to the doc
he gave me my meds
said my throats badly inflammed
gave me a different kind of antibiotic
went home
took the meds
changed
got ready to go for lunch then school
BUT
my eyes turned deep red
like some freaking dracula
my mum called up our doc
he said come back immediately
so we did
on the way
my eyes swelled
looked like some doll you will find in movies like 'chuckie'
my mum told the counter lady
can you make it fast, shes needs to go to school
the lady was like
what school?
university, said my mum
she replied
mad ah???your so sick!dont go!
errrrrrrrrrrrrrr
errrrrrrrrrrrrrr
PANIC!
PANIC PANIC PANIC!
i cant not go to school!
first tutorial, no friends in the class
bad bad idea to skip
1: bad impression
2: if there was an assignment given, i would never know!
3: miss out, and be lost
GRUNTS
my bro said...dont go!anw you look fightening
even aunty usha said...jst skip..it wld be crazy to go to sch

so i didnt go
and i feel soooo insecure
i have no way of finding out what went on
i need to email the tutor and ask if i can go for another slot
so that i dont miss out
and ask if theres any assignment
but guess what
i bloody hell dont know the tutors name!
so i have to email the department
my bro and niva said emailings the only thing i can do
ahhhhhh

now i seriously miss days in JC
at least you have friends!
and your not completely alone in some classes
so that if you skip a day
you just pick up the phone and call a friend
*POUTS*
sway..first tutorial
and rekhas missing
:(

study to be happy

2007-08-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

come all ye ppl.lets take our minds to the grandeur of the elizabethan era and focus our very much dwindling brains to the splendour of the very person who coined the depths of the english language; shakespeare. as He once pointed out thru the voices of the characters of 'Macbeth', 'life is walking shadow which struts and frets..'

no, i'm not doing Macbeth now, neither am i doing shakespeare. But i surely am 'struting and fretting' across te stage of studies!

ok rekha. cut the crap

Right now as i'm typing, I am simple laying out the flowers and streamers for my very own catafalque.how lovely. and when i am done I shall lay my body on it, and peacefully devour every moment of my failures.....and then maybe when i am in hell...or with some luck, heaven, i shall write a book titled, 'rekhas many many failures in her first year at NUS.'

yes yes, i am crapping again am i?????

rekha is not suppose to be blogging
rekha is suppose to be studying
rekha is prob the only uni student not studying
and rekha is going to be lost next week
and rekha is not gng to get her points
and 4ys later
rekha is not going to achieve her aim of first class honours
now rekha is officially allowed to
SCREAM!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

okok.cannot.caonnaot cannot cannot
i am officially turning into a nerd.
jivis,, yes you JIVANAAH SUSEL DAYALAN
better make sure that i become a geek
so no more roaming around aimlessly around the campus
no more brownies with ice cream topped with gossipping
study study study
and oh, shall we be happy!

anger?

2007-08-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

ANGST
its bubbling
somewhere under my exterior
an interior so DARK......
an interior so familiar

im angry
worst
i cant nail the reason behind it
its a concoction of emotions
feeelings
thoughts
perceptions
all negative of course
and its bubbling up
now close to the surface
and im going to explode

but that rose remains deep in my heart
the one that was touched by
the most radiant light ever
just a couple of weeks ago
and that rose
remains strong
on a cushion of serenity and beauty
and it consumes this anger
tho not all of it
why?
its leaving me some to handle
so that i can learn

sigh-ness
i hate in when im angry
and worst still
cant find a single reason for it
coz theres just too many
to make matters worst
i realised i have to start studying
as in mugging
else i'll fall back
and i have sooo much planning
im freaking out!
those of u who knoe we well
u know what i become when im freaking out
and its absolutely scary
no no
the 'A level' stress panicky rekha must not come back
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
and HE better help...he just better.

AY 2007/2008 ... freshman

2007-08-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

alrite...week one has come
and gone
fridays my free day
yay
its called
'strategic planning when choosing modules'
if ur smart like me...u will also end up with long weekends
hehe

my modules this sem:
HY2216 : total war
HY1101E: Asia and the modern world
SC1101E: making sense of society
SE1101E: southeast asia, a changing region
PS1101E: Introduction to political science

gone for all except the first one
and its all good
no major complains bout any one of them
the weeks really relax
coz tutorials havent started
and we havent strated drowning in assignments and projects
but yeah
overall
i made good choices
the modules are all useful and fun..and the lecturers are good

the school?
its interesting how all the faculties have their individual characteristics
and where i come from
FASS
its colour...
silence?? NO WAY
its us
its me
arts students have their very individualistic sense of being
science have theirs
biz have theirs
...and the list goes on
the structure itself?
they can do better
but the old fashioned ambiance
that dawns upon you
once you step on the sch grounds
has a subtle sense of class
the idea of
'gentry of the old parish' i would say
and within the quiet walls
of the campus as a whole
a vague illustration of
social stratification can be seen
and i would say
at the peak of the pyramid
lies ....
FASS
hehe....
we rock lar....i have to admit...along with everyone else...
and to shift to my evil side
if u really cant consume the different 'colours' of FASS
STAY OUT!
like this guy in my soci lect
doing the module as a cross-faculty module
kills the ambiance of FASS with just one statement:
"har, must write essay one ah??"
AHHHHHHHHHHH
go away...shoo...shooo
go back to ur home
if u want to contaminate mine
sorry..evil i know
but in life there must always be a balance of good and evil
even in ourselves
hehe

university ... hmmmmm
its realy funny how u work your way up
one moment your a silly JCstudent
struggling...stress to the max
convinced that at the rate your going you'll never make it to uni
convinced that uni is a 'dream'...never to become real
and next moment
ur A levels results are out
u r walking the streets of nus/ntu/smu
and now ur main concern is getting thru uni...and cmming out wit a first class honour degree
amazing huh..how life has its automatic gradual progression
so to all those JC students
trust me
you'll make it..as long as u put in the effort
A's will be the worst exam any1 can sit for
but its not a hurdle you cant jump over
you'll have to struggle ...and jump and jump ...
over and over again
thats gauranteed
but with all that trying
your bound to get over it...
trust me
i know what im talking about
been there, done that
hold strong, and have faith
:)
espeacially my dear friend/sister
you'll do it....
and i'll be right next to you
together with HIM

the weekend

2007-08-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

a very simple
a very sincere
weekened
i must say

saturday
was the JOY presentation
followed by bhajans
at moulmein
afterwhich
we all went to tekka
for teh aliah
(mine was ice milo)
tehn had no idea where toi go for dinner
gokul was closed
so some1 suggested komala vilas!
and yes
tats where we ended up!
so so fun
as usual...

us (just one table..the other tables not in foto) at KV

sunday
woke up early
went for prayers arranged by my dear grandma
rushed to class
made it just b4 the buses came
felt a tiny bit guilty tat i couldnt come early to help clean the premises
class was superb as usual
tho many didnt turn up
but tat just gave us an opportunity to have informla chats with the girls
i was exhausted
EXHAUSTED by the end of it
then went to temple to set up for bhajans
lay the sound system wires
carpets
etc
i was soooooo tired
i couldnt take it anymore....
left around 9 15
reached home
around 10 +
so so tired
but OH SO HAPPY!

2007-08-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

the four of us after the movie

ya sumi...my cutest cousin...my mums side

abi dearie and me...after the movie...at swensons

ya sumis brother...prashant..i used to babysit him...he's growing up sooo fast

archu dearie and me...at PS toilet

mummy and me at my aunts place

just plainly me ...

there she is agian..i bet shes the prettiest in her cls... :)

i didnt take a photo of my uncle...so heres an older photo..him and his band...super cool...they were a really popular band in the 60's..my uncles the one in sunglasses..he used to be the guitarist and lead singer...but basically he can play any instrument....the keyboard, drumsets, violin...everything...

heres wat happened yest...went to watch harry potter again...went to swensons..then rushed home coz my uncle and aunt and their kids were cmming over and we were going out for dinner...they migrated to india 2 yrs ago..yes india...coz its easier to survive as a musician there than here...and the kids are having a great time...coz sch isnt stressful...and sooooo cute...they have a slight indian accent!..and they shake their heads when they talk...but character wise..they are still the same....

i remember i used to take care of prashant when he was in diapers...and now whaooo....he's 12 ... so fast..but still cute larrr...he sang the indian national anthem for us...its damn nice...sounds like some ganesha bhajan...and the night his sister was born, we had to look after him...still rmb those days were he was still soo little.

yasumi...has always been oh so pretty...i still rmb the time when i was babysitting her, and i scolded her nicely coz she didnt want to finish her food...those were the days...miss babysitting them...they are still soo adorable.

miss my uncle too..during christmas gatherings , he would lead us in all the carols, while he played the guitar and my older uncle played the violin...and we wld listen to him sing, (we atempted to sing along) and we would eat nice christmas pudding and cake....he seriously has a damn nice voice...he came to the temple once and led a class with the grp 3's when i was still in grp 3...but tat was a long time ago...oh and u know wat...he was asked to be a s'pore idol judge...but he was migrating already..so couldnt...it wld have been so fun watching him judge...ahhhhhhh....love them and miss them!!! :(

nat day gathering

2007-08-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

ok like i said
its been a long time since we chilled
and just slack
absolutely no work involved

aunty nesams house
3 30 PM - 12 15 AM
the menu:
sardine curry
tahu sambal with fishball
(all veg of crs)
tempeh, tahu, beans
mangosteen, longans and rambutans
ice cream: choice of coffee, toffee, vanilla, chocolate
ppl: everyone..!!!!!!!!!.. :) :)

record breaking number of times one has laughed
courtesy of uncle sunthar of course
oh, and not forgetting the manicure session!
cant believe it...now we all have nice lovely nails...soo crazy and cute la they all

i missed a day like tat
i was soooo waiting to have such a day in a long while
now that the work has simmered down for awhile
im sure we can afford more days like tat
:)
and so last nite is treasured
the food was treasured
the jokes and laughter are treasured
but most of all
the people
are very much treasured

ok now off to watch harry potter again
ppl: me, abi, achu, arul anne, aunty sandra, manges, lakshana, pranavan, ramanan
YAY
this may sound like an ultimate bimbo, but who cares:
....rite now..... I LOVE MY LIFE!
:)

national day

2007-08-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

yeap...todays our nations bdae...:)
but let me first recount the pre national day dayy, the pre preparations...

wayang kulit (shadow puppetry i/c) ????
errrrrr
the first day i arrived back in s'pore after the trip
my bro dsnt even greet me proparly...
wats one of the first sentence he put forth?
"okok, rekha, we've got lots of work to do"
harrrrrrr?????
wat work??
"i need you to take charge of the wayang kulit"
errrrrrrr
okayyyyyy
"i need you to make props for it...the puppets"
errrrr
okayyyyy
hahas...
so i was appointed by the director
cnt say no
after all
HE did say we must do more work

props
seemed like an ez task initially
started with the lion
went on to the sampan the kampong
then the british ship
and i thought i was done

sec 1 boys
the sec one boys were to be the ones dng the show
as in they would be behind the screen holding the puppets
so on sunday i met them
had to train them
and
OMGGGGGGGGG
is it just boys?
or is it just sec one boys
i secretly want to believe its boys
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
as in
AHHHHHHH
and so we started the training
and the trying
me together with manges

more props
it was too plain
so lots more props had to be done
i couldnt do it by myself
so had to recruit more ppl
i called like 20 ppl i tink
abi and achu, manges also helped call
5 ppl came to help
:)
and we did more props
then when everyone went home after dng
we tried the whole thing
again
and it was stll too plain
sth was missing
it needed more colour!
and mind you, this is the eve of teh programme
so at 12 midnite
a decision is made that more has to be done
so i had to go home and do it
1 am - 5am
rekha sits in here hall cutting and drawing out props
she took nearly 1 1/2 hrs on the island alone

family art time!
wed morning
wit having barely 4 hrs of slp
i face a situation
the props aernt finished!
and the performance is on like tat day!
rekha
being her
PANIC
and she starts work again
buttttt
shes got such lovely parents
both her mum and dad
sit down wit her
and help her
phew
thanks to them
it was almost finished
by the time she went to the temple at 3

the actual
wat can i say
i teared at the end of it all
the kids
were so so so good
and my wayng kulit boys
were amazing!
i should buy them chocolates
the dance girls
despite only having like 4 practices
were soooo sweet
and lovely
the older boys who did the chorale reading
they showed discipline and focusness completely thru their perfomance
the finale item ppl
made efforts to smile, sing along
and they looked absolutely beautiful
so so so proud of all of them
i was smiling like some mad person
i tell u
we can put up a real production already
oh and our multi media
take of my hat to hamma aka, vijaya aka, and abi
:) :)
looked sooooo good
with lots of thanks to the master of directors, the director of the universe
it was a splendid performance
a pay off to everyones intense hard work and love fr His work
:)

nat day itself
ok back to today
we are finally going to CHILL!
no work
absolutely no work
(apart from cooking)
just chill and chat
sth we all love to do
but havent done in a really long while
sathsanging! cant wait for that
yeap
a good way to end hardwork
of crs
HE'l be there
in his own way
and He'l be chilling a long with us
and acting invisible
as we talk about Him
YAY!
happy bdae s'pre!

TSPC

2007-08-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

yeap...today was the scholarship ceremony...
it was ok
got pretty nervous ..
afraid that i would trip on my heels...
trip fall and die... in front of all those ppl
was interviewed by tamil murusu ... spoke in tamil
hehe
no lah
spoke in english
my parents and aunty sandra came :)
bumped into my sec 4 english teacher
well actually she found me
insisted that i go back to smss to teach
hmmmmm
see how ...
probably would want to go back there ...
left the ceremony around 5
went to eat
so so hungry
went to temple
theres sooo much to do tomoro
got to make new props for the nat day programme
i neeed heelppppp plssssss
any1 free?? 7 pm tomoro???
pls feel free to jump in :)
anw yar
im quite waiting for the national day hols
its been a long time since we just slacked and chilled
so looking forward to chilling all together and watching the parade
its just been work work and work for the past couple of months
tho its all good fun
a break is high in demand im guessing
and then a toast to the work
all in His name
:) cheers! :)

school :)

2007-08-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

yeap
officially a student of NUS - FASS
went down todae with jivis
did our registration
got our matric card
(we look like convicts on it)
went for the CCA fair
otherwise known as the matric fair
we signed up for loads of stuff

module bidding also started todae
so we had to get that done
it so so stressful
and u dnt really know how to do it
no one really gives u instuctions
anw
ive done my bidding
and i placed bids for

PS1101E : political science : introduction to political science :
SC1101E : sociology : making sense of society
SE1101E : southeast asian studies : southeast asia - a changing region
EU1101E : History : making of contemporary europe

but ive got a bad sense tho, that im not really gng to get most of it...they're too high in demand,,oh well...we'll just leave it to Him....

so schools starting next week. im glad. sad that due to some complicated reasons, i cant take my literature modules this semester...sighness....
happy schs starting! triple yay!

the past couple of days since i got back...has been busy busy once again..preparing for uni in the afternoons....then of crs...more work to be done...so at the temple every nite... :) :)
still higly happy..hope im this high next week, month..years to come...

on this journey of joy ...

2007-08-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

on this journey of joy ...
transformation is my goft of devotion ...

" O i feel like dancing
its foolishness i know
but when the world has seen the lord
they will dance with me
like im dancing now
...
hallelujah!
...
i could sing of your love forver
o lord
i could sing of your love forever"

yup....that simply describes my state of mind
its weird
how everything just stops in time
upon that gaze
upon that experience
of bountiful love
pure love
happiness peace bliss
dawns upon you
you want to think of nothing else
you wnat to experience noting else
you want nothing else
simply
that recurrance
of pure love

now i just hope
pray
and pray
that i dont slide back to where i left from
that i dont bring shame
to this testimony of love
that i dont disappoint
his glory

so ive got to work
work and more work
to remove any limits
ive placed upon work
work to fulfill
work to justify
work to transform
work
to present
my gift of devotion
...

"time waste is life waste"
no more wasting ime fr me!
so got to cut loads of stuff...
yeap
time must be used wisely now
time must be used to do His work only
for
"time waste is life waste"

JAI!

pre trip post

2007-07-20T01:31:00.000-07:00

i'll be leaving like day after tomoro...
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
tats realllly fast
actually its tomoro
considering the fact tat now its past md nite
im so so so consoled that jivis is cmming wit me
and we both made solemn promises to each other
that we wont ditch at all!!! we'll stick to each other like soulmates
we need the support from each other larrsssssss
and its funny enof
that a lot of thoughts in our minds
actually match
as in they are the same!
so we havent really lost that many many years of friendship
have we jivs???
yeap
12 years
and more to come
yesh....12....we were besties frm the first day of p1 at ehv
we had to play tis game..where u rmb the name of the person nxt to u
till the next week
and jivis and i happened to be next to each other
hehehe
she saw sth in me i think

okok...so enof of jivis...heh
back to the trip proper
yeap
leaving this sat
back on the 31st
havent packed
but im used to last minute packing
theres been so much gng on
the whole temple has been like transformed into like an arts school!!!!
in every room there are like zombified ppl cutting, painting, stitching, pasting
y zombified??
coz everyones like dng work till 1am!!!!
everyday....
yawns...
we need to finish the exhibition stuff by friday..tats like todae..lol

tomoro (friday) night
abi, achu, shrania are staying over
so that they can follow me to the airport the next morn
have to be there at 5 AM!
not planning to slp at all
ordering pizza!
and we'll stay awake thru k?
my dearie anisha was supposed to stay too
but shes not :(
its ok dear!
i'll call and wake u up at 5! frm the airport

am i excited?
of crs!
am i scared???
of crs!
will i cry when i leave???
yes!
is this the first time i'll cry when i go away?
yes!
then how come i'll cry??
coz dunnoe if i deserve this?scared?
and ppl tat im used to going india with aernt going

when i get back.....
i think things will be differnt
in one sense, things will definitely be different
a lot of EXCITEMENT
firstly
SCHOOL IS STARTING
FINALLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY the holidays comming to an end
i cant take it
my brain is gng to explode
yesh..i ACTUALLY wanna study
anw its quite exciting...
i will get to study all sorts of books
frm like brit lit
to like asian lit
from like drama
to film studies
yeah...majoring it lit rawks!
whoa...university mannnnn...no more uniforms
haha
cant believe it
i still feel like i just ended O levels

2nd thing tat im really really really looking forward
is the TSPC
okok..speak english rekha
it stands for
teaching scholarship presentation ceremony
u get to inivite only 3 ppl tho
tat INCLUDES your parents
and the other person
has to be a teacher that inspired u...
i invited a person who taugt me in a different way
she didnt teach me in school
but taught me at EHV
but shes still a teacher by profession
go guess....haha
they make it sound really prestigious
like the GOH is minister of edu himself
and its at suntec ballroom
but quite scary
anw...i just have sth against the dress code
its suffocating!!!!!
long sleeve collared formal shirt
and HEELS! argh.. OUCH... heels = ouch
anw...still on my list of exciting things nontehless

feel a bit sad tat i missed the uni camps
espeacially the faculty of arts camp
oh well
hope O week is still fun in a way
reunification with nathini !!!!
after a painful 1 1/2 years of separation
wish mel was wit us tho
love them lots

ok.anything else that i wanna say b4 i leave???
errrrmmmmmm
to alll those staying behind::::
rekha loves u lots
and she'll call all of u as often as poss
this includes
anishaaaaa ... rania ....

and abi achu,,,,
faster come!!!!!!
i tell u i'll jump for joy when i see u guys there on the 25th
:) :) :) :) :)

and i feel like saying this
i love all of u
as in all my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love yew love yew love yew guys
*muacks*

see you all again in the 31st
:)
and those gng to sch wit me
get geared up
for exitement at its max

:)

bye for now ...

desperado

2007-07-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses
You've been out ridin' fences,
for so long - now.
Ohh you're a hard one.
I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin'you
Can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the ones
That you can't get.

Desperado,
Ohhhh you aint getting no younger.
Your pain and your hunger,
They're driving you home.
And freedom, ohh freedom.
Well that's just some people talking.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.
It's hard to tell the night time from the day.
And you're losing all your highs and lows
aint it funny how the feeling goes
away...

Desperado,
Why don't you come to your senses?
come down from your fences, open the gate.
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you.
You better let somebody love you.
(let sombody love you)
You better let somebody love you...ohhh..hooo
before it's too..oooo.. late.
(the eageles)

everyone has a song to describe his or her feelings at some point .. a song that perfectly summarises her moments...her feelings.. her thinking...and yeah..this is the one for me right now.

saturdar

2007-07-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

PART 1
stayed over at abis place the day b4
slept at 3
woke at 5
so basically 2hrs of slp
damn tired
went to airport
send aunty nesam of
left airport around 8

PART 2
reached home around 9 15
met my second surety
at 10 45
went to moe
sign papers
yawnnnnsssssss
but i got to spend time wit my second surety
:)
and we made each other laugh
toking nonsense
and yawning every 3 minutes
left MOE around 12

PART 3
met rania at causeway point
yawns
hehehe
suppose to watch thiru play hockey
thank god tat was done away wit
yay!
(hehe..im so mean!)
but he won... must be because of us..somehow
so slacked at bb coffee bean wit rania
yawns again
hehe
met two strange creatures
they go by the names maran and jivis
god bless my soul
to have such strange friends..
ahhh okok cannot be soo mean rekha
anw..went to jp
yesh
JURONG POINT!
a place tat reminds me of a sad past
haha
soo far frm my place larrr...meanies!
met 3 suspicious characters
okok..i give chance ot shiva...he's not that suspicious
played pool
i must admit
im damnnn good lar
marans jealous
sharania needs to buck up
:)
then some hockey 'champion' joined us
he looks weirrdddddd i tell u
too goody goody
and we all know thiru is not equal to good
hehe
aft all the poolin
2 ditched us
went to shivas place
lets ignore the sad details of this part
and hop on to the nice parts
hanged around the pool area
it was fun
really
:)
left arnd 10 30

the highlights:
me wacking maran with my slipper
cat fight with rania (i won)
me being a wonderful pool player...heh
me kicking thiru
me pouring pool water on shiva
i think he cried
actually ...
i tink rania and i made all the guys cry
hehehehehehehehehe
rite rania???
and at the end of it all
they bowned down to us and agreed to bo our slaves
yay!

of crs rania took a lot of photos
60 to be accurate
but u noe wat
im only in 20 of them
hrmph!!!
:(

ahhhhhhhhhh... some1 helppp me!!!!haha luv yew rania! (*puke*) ;)

shocked!horrorS! we must have seen one of the guys

jivis! next time tip toe larrrrr

at my low

2007-07-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

my grandmas in hospital again
:(
tho she seems fine
i hate it when shes there
it makes me scared
scared to think that someday
maybe soon
she'll have to go
and i hate it when ppl talk and say
tat day seems to be comming
for shes been too hurt my her sons death last year
my uncle
and hurt at this age
is a strong trigger
for ones own departure
and its times like that
when i hate myslef
for not being able to speak tamil
for tho its clear that we love each other
the love isnt expressed to its fullest
:(
i'll make it up to her in my next life
..
for now i'll just enjoy being with her

and today
a reminder of a certain moment
a moment of hurt
became so clear
that i started hurting again
and tho i said moments always pass
i have a strange feeling
that some just are here to stay
and tho the pain will eventually go
it will still lay in me
deep within
but in me nontheless
the most hurting of all :
im powerless
i cant do anything
and cant talk no more
cant talk to anyone
coz no one can make the pain go away
so whats there to do?
cry...cry it all out...
the flow tears somehow help
coz once u push all the sadness out of u
it kind of leaves more room
for joy and satisfaction
and it leaves more opportunity
to forget
and leave what needs to be left in the past
and to run far away form it
never looking back
run till its out of sight
and no longer matters
no longer part of my life

simple fun

2007-07-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

yeap. todays one of those days.where theres no clouds.everythings clear...as in....there was no complications..no emo-ism....it was just a normal simple day.....the sort i love...it makes life look sooo....clear?

so what didi i do in the day?
mainly :
1) went for lunch with mummy/naina
2) slack at home
3) met aunty sandra and abi at toa payoh to eat/drink
4) temple post-wedding clearing up

well the post weddng clearing up was really something. it was disgusting! seriously, the place was in a mess! and it was so so so smelly. this was the first time that the place was so smelly and only 6 of us to clear the whole place and set up for friday,,,but we did it...of course with much laughter..what with uncle sunthar and all his stories.....so it was a tiring task...but a joyful one nontheless.. :) (but i came out stinking like the room!ewwwwwww) so we managed to make it look sparkling clean...and nice smelling... :)

yeap. thats all i did todae. i loveeee days like that. so simple. yet it ends with a bang...i just sailed thru the day...pure simple fun. :) :)

oh btw..just FYI, i did come home and have a nice long shower. and now as im blogging, i smell of johnson and johnson baby bath foam... yay!!!!!!!! i smell good...smell me!!!!!!!... :)

see- saw

2007-07-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

see-saw
up and down
happy
sad
happy
pissed
happy
sad
happy
pissed

once, she told me, shes gotten so used to life that everytime shes sad or angry, she'l remind herslef that it'll be better soon...coz its like tat u see...u can be soo sad one day...but its definite that that moment will surely pass...and a joyous happy moment will eventually crop up...so if u look at it that way..life just becomes life..a matter of getting used to...like a see-saw...you wont stay down forever...at some point, u will be on the 'up' side....

i was reading my 'emo' post tat i wrote 2 days ago...and you know what..its amazing how i feel sooo detatched from it at this moment...at that moment when i was writing it...tehre was sooo much anger..i wonder where all that anger disappeared to...

so i kinda figured...the next time im angry or sad..i just have to do what she does...remind myself that its just another moment in time ... and it will pass...and another moemtn..either a happy one or anotehr sad one will take its place...basically the lesson is...no moment is permanent..so y let any moment affect you?

life is made up of all these little 'moment' pakages
a package gets delivered to you with each breath u take
the trick comes in rising above these packages
to open them up
and face whatever is inside with His name on your lip
and courage in your heart
the packages arent life
the moments arent life
life is beyond each moment
its a bigger more significant picture
and our job is to find that true meaning to life
to look beyond individual moments...
to trust Him...
to trust that each package he gives you if for your good
this is the dummys guide to life

if only i could stick to that little solution
oh how happy life would be
tyr try and try
trust.

yawnssss

2007-07-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

yeap. it was a super super tiring day. firstly i went to bed so late then couldnt get out of bed. but i had to coz i had to be at the temple by 11+...soooo..rush rush rush rush....went to get stuff ready for class...then later on aunty sandra, hemma and me were cutting papers till we seriously went mad..and we left the temple only at 2 50...reached the school at like 3 10...class started!!!!!...and me..NOT CHANGED....rush rush rush....and the stupid toilet didnt have a mirror...what a disaster....so i also looked like a disaster thru the day...sighsss..my hair was in a mess...

but it was a good day nontheless...a great first lesson...everyone was high...even while we were preparing for class...we were crazy...aunty sandra la...super funny..and in class...tho i hardly spoke a word enjoyed myelf...coz i could see tat the girls were really enjoying themselves...it was all so perfect...as usual...:) :) :)

and at the end of it all...im so so so tired....splitting headache....but oh so happy and contented...:)

scream.run. scream

2007-07-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

urgh
urgh
argh

im not useless
im not some girly piece of shit

i make mistakes???
so??
an no im not dimwitted

so what am i suppose to do
be pissed?
be hurt?
in silence....

and seriously
im not an innocent crappy idiot!!!!
im not INNOCENT!!!

sometimes i feel like running away
any1 wanna join me?
run and run and run
to somewhere really far
and find out who i am
disappear to discover
and then come back
a person no one would hate
a person i wont hate

sometimes my heads all noisy
really noisy
i cant seem to silence it
its just getting worst
all the thoughts
god knows where they come from
theres no more space in my mind
yet these thoughts
they keep comming
ahhhhh
shuttup!!!!!!

i wanna run
i wanna hurt me
i wanna scream
scream
till its silent
both outside and inside
:(
is the end drawing near?
i wish
im fed up
im fed up with trying and trying
im fed up with falling and falling
with disappointing everyone
with hurting- me and others
with being confused
with wanting waht isnt needed
with making mistakes
with not pleasing him...
and im tired

unthinkable change

2007-07-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

since 1974

its been our identity!

we are proud of it...

ask any one of us

we wore it with pride

stood up for it

even when it was put down by the newspaper

so many proud smss girls wrote in

yes, and im too proud

that i wore it for ten straight years

so

HOW CAN THEY CHANGE IT NOW!!!!!

its unthinkable

its sooooo

WHAT!!!!!!!

how can you cange the st margarets uniform?????

harrr???

huh?????

yup. the smss uni is gng to be changed. well thankfully, the polka dots remain. but still???????

its been the uniform since 1974. one of the first proper uniforms of singapore schools.

i suddenly miss our late principal, mrs caroline lee. she would never change the uniform. she carried the smss identity as much as we did. God bless her soul.

the change:

from one piece to two piece

knee length to above knee length skirt

fake tie to real tie.....

ok so maybe it would look nicer...but NO...it still cant be changed. calling all ex students to petition!!!!! someone come up with a petition FAST...i know we were toking bout it, but now we have to go beyond talking.

everyone knew a smss girl when they saw one. they couldnt miss us. be it when we went down to town or took a short ride to the nearby hollad V......but we were proud that ppl knew that we were from smss....coz we knew what life there meant....

"for charity, patience, devotion

let's be known

these qualities St Margaret's shown

on this our school has grown"..... :)

shopping :)

2007-07-02T23:48:00.000-07:00

yeap, i know normal human beings would go shopping while the GSS is still on...but is rekha normal...nooooooo....so she goes after the GSS....yipeeeeeee

so amidst all the t shirts/blouses/pants/shoes....what do i get?????

drum roll pls.... :)

my torquoise blue nike bag!!!! YAY...ive been eyeing it for a few weeks now whenever i pass by the nike outlet at novena...yes....im half the time at novena...but pls dont go find me...no matter how desperate you are to spend time with me :)

now this i must say...guess who eyed this bag with me..yes, none other than my dear anisha..since half the time shes also at novena, but not like any of you want to go find her rite?? anw, back to the point, tho we both were eyeing it TOGETHER, the harsh reality of life is that only ONE of us can buy it...main reason is coz its simply dunb to carry the same bag...yes yes, we do wear the same pair of earring, have the same bottle, but bag??uhuh, no wayyy..

so anyway, since only one of us can buy it,, it means whoever gets to it first has it...and yes,,,, who got to it first...weeeeeeeee,,,,,,ME!.....plus, im done with A's and when ur done with A's, ppl, like my mum, give gifts!!!.. sorry dear...sit for your A's first k..then u can get all the bags in the worldddd

i had to call her when i was buying..and i was like 'guess what??',,and she was like...'your buying the bag riteeeee..grrrr"

sorry kiddo! i have to be mean once in awhile, you have to balance everything in life.....

BUT I STILL LOVE YOU anisha dearie!!!!!!!we wear crown earrings this friday k??????and we'll roam the streets together and hen go for bhajans, all with the same pair of earrings!!!! :)

my promise

2007-07-01T22:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder
wat would life be w/o you

do i seem like i take you for granted?
does it look like i dont value?

but what if today,
this day
i make make a promise
a promise that would ensure you
coutless moments of support
a lifelong contract of friendship
truckloads of love

if i were to break this promise
i would hate myself forever
for it would show that im a horrid person
and with that said, i swear never to break this promise.

im sorry for all the times i hurt you
im sorry for not paying attention to your love for me
im sorry for throwing my anger on you at times
im sorry for giving in to my temper
im sorry for being blind to your feelings

i hate myself
at times
for my ridiculous TEMPER
i get angry
and i let anger take over me
and i hate it
when i use it as an excuse to hurt those i love
and im gng to be more aware now
for im not willing to allow my anger
to me the cause of me losing u

i'll make it up to you
i'll be there forever
in no matter what circumstance
i'll compromise
and i'll love
i'll support
and i'll comfort

this is a little note that i write
to pave way for a future
where our friendship will grow stronger than ever

you were sent into my life
so that i can appreciate things that i never saw
selfess love
endless support

the lie behind the phrase
'blood is thicker than water.'

1 july 2007
a promise i make
to a special friendship.
:)

questions??!?!????!???!??!!!!!!

2007-06-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

excited?
i dunnoe u noe...
im beginning to wonder
if its really that big a deal
how come im not feeling much
still a bit numb
still a bit lost
still a bit astray

"19 is a crucial age
its when u decide who you are
what you want
where your heading
its when u ask
and ask
and then you decide
and choose
..."

yeah
i think your right
i think shes right
i think ive been choosing a lot this year
without knowing much
this year has been a year'
of many 'first times'
and these 'first times'
aernt exactly things that im proud of
have i decided who am i?
or am i far from deciding?
am i still on the fence?
knowing where i want to go
yet somehow resisting
knowing who i want to be
yet postponing the full realisation......

when is that time going to come?
when am i going to confidently say who i am
to decide and to believe
fully

its got to be soon
that i know
for too much waiting
is going to hurt me eventually
if its His work i want
then i better choose it
fast
if its His servant i want to be
than i better become it
fast.

im scared
and getting more scared each day
will i ever stray too far
too far to turn back
too far to be pulled back
????
will i ever decide?
once and for all

dinners!!!!!

2007-06-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

the past two days have been so filled with food...like fooooooddddd!!!
i need to go for a run!!!
so the very next day after the SRKT charity dinner was sai prahlaths bdae party!!!!and yess,, food food and more food...the danger of buffets!....it was a fun time...but it seemed like rania and me were the only camwhores..we need to influence more ppl...heh

HAT FIGHT!!!!!.....uncle prem up to his craziness...hehe.. :)

eventually we became fascinated by the hats

us again! :)

me and aunty usha.. :) :)

and the very next day after that dinner...was another dinner in celebration of uncle sunthars bdae (26 june)...at quality hotel....chinese vegetarian BUFFET!!! yessss...BUFFET....uhoh

anw that was really really really fun!!!!!!....crazy...and i love crazy

preparing to sing the bdae song to our dearest uncle sunthar

and we sing..."happy bdae to u, happy bdae to u"

evidence of pigging out...yikes

love them lots! :)....

me. aunty usha. hemma

one final pic to end a happy day.. SMILE :)

thanks :)

2007-06-23T00:38:00.000-07:00

22.06.07
the day i took out my dreams
from the pits of my heart
unfolded them
let them fly
to become a reality
once dreams
folded squares
now reality
real happiness
let to grow
let to become

i judged you
hid you away
struggled to trust
but i knew you were there
for u loved me
for you love me
and now in all my joy
i will glorify
and praise
for its you and you alone
waiting for me
at the end of the race.

ppl to thank
mum, naina (dad), ana (bro) : for the countless nites of praying for me, for sharing my disappointment, fr being there, for driving around to run errands, for calling all the contacts, for communicating, for loving, fro putting up with my temper and bad moods

aunty ranga: for going all out to do all she could, for getting me a back up plan, for being there
aunty sandra, aunty usha, uncle sunthar: for being a pillar of support from the very beggining,for countless days of comfort, for keeping me in their prayers everyday, for understanding, for listening
everyone else in the centre: hugs, smiles, support, comfort

nirmala pathey (aunty): for doing what she could in her power, going all out to push, for her re-assurance

anisha, abi, achu: for being the bestest friends, showering me with comfort..for being there

benjamin (anishas tutor): for doing what he could in his power despite me being a mere stranger

(centre friends) sharania, shiva,niva, thiru, jivs: for advice, for consolation

(school friends) stace, kez, nanthini, esther, clement: for support, for consolation

HIM...: for putting me thru this for a good reason that i shalll understand soon...for loving me unconditionally despite my anger directed to Him..for..love, love, love

:)

SRKT charity dinner

2007-06-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

the reason why i love them sooo much??
coz they have left lasting smiles in my heart
lasting happiness in my journeys to come
:)

zoomongous mania

2007-06-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

yes yes, a repetition of two blogs
but give some chance lah...to express my zoomongous feeling in my own way

where: everyones (everyone who came excluding me) ancestral area, country of origin
who: strange creatures of the wild with the names - sharania, uma, sai, shiva, thiru, kumaran, jj

it was initiated by sharania...i wanted to go to the zoo too! then i get a call from her- an invitation to her home and the home of all her friends!...they were sooo generous when i visited their home...took me on a complete tour, where i got so see some of their real forms -> orang utan (sharania) , pigs (shiva)...ect ect....

and after they showed me their side of the world, i showed them my more civilized side..introduced all of them to a civilized game called pool...they were sooo excited to see sth sooo different (hehehehehehe)...so i taught them the game, since i am after all the best in it....
ahhh...okok..rekha, dnt lie, its bad for health. well, the truth..i suck at pool!!!!!! but im not the only one who sucks...thiru is baddddd too. so we decided to determine whos the ultimate loser at the game...and i shall proudly announce its not me...!!!!! i beat him! yay (sorry, i just had to boost my ego a bit..)

now for pictures....

we were jealous that the animals got to live behind bars.

not all survived the insanity

at the start!

there are times when we actually do look normal

looks like im a some goddess: shiva and rabia are my guarding animals amd thirus worshippin me. :) all hail rekha!

eeekzzzz!! eww (hehe..i like being mean)

the sophisticated (front), the unsophisticated (back)

I LOVEEE HORSES! my most fav animal in the whole wide world! was suppose to learn horse back riding this hols....where did all my moneyy gooooo???? sob sob...

thirus way of showing gratitude...sighhh....kids these days..

sunday morning

2007-06-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

WEDDING

east coast

2007-06-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

16.06.07
9:00pm-12am
east coast park
me.abi.achu.hemma aka.
aunty sandra.arul anne.manges aka.my bro

part 1:
fun
water
water rats
scream
subway
fun
fun
fun

part2:
rain rain go away
come again another day
we want to play
at the beach!
:(
cold....brrrrrrr
shelter
macs
milo
fries
ice cream
:)

nilaak kaaygiradhu

2007-06-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

i love this song!! for those who have been following my blog, you would have seen in an earlier post that i had learnt the first two stanzas. but gess wat, ive learnt the whole song now! and yes, i do sound like an indian ok! i made sure my pronunciation is quite rite. u know waht i did, i sung the whole thing, recorded it in my phone, and listened to myself. good news: it does sound like an indian song and im singing it right. bad news: i sound like a kid!!!!u know those disney cartoons...little little mermaid..yes i sound like tat. i rmb diana said the same thing when i had to sing for our drama. :( sobs....i must try to force myslef to sound more mature...help!!!!!

nilaak kaaygiradhu naeram thaeygiradhu yaarum rasikkavillaiyae
indhak kangal mattum unnaik kaanum
thenral poaginradhu soalai sirikkinradhu yaarum sugikkavillaiyae
indhak kaigal mattum unnaith theendum
kaatru veesum veyyil kaayum kaayum adhil maatram aedhum illaiyae
aaaaaa...vaanum mannum nammai vaazhach chollum andha vaazhththu
oayavillai
enrenrum vaanil
(nilaak)
adhoa poaginradhu kaanal maegam mazhaiyai kaanavillaiyae
idhoa kaetkinradhu kuyilin soagam isaiyum kaetkavillaiyae
indha bhoomiyae poovanam endhan poovidhazh sarugudhae
indha vaazhkaiyae seedhanam adhil jeevanae thaeyudhae
(nilaak)

The week

2007-06-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

k know i havent blogged in while. Frankly, i lost mood. Dunnoe y.but let just run thru all the things that i did this week so far.

sat:
temple washing
lunch
slack
meeting
but got cancelled

sun:
meeting for JOY booklet
slack with rania and sham
lunch
play and adore vishwar and vishvini
slack and plan with ani, achu, arul
try drums: i suck! :(
talk crap
LAUGH A LOT :)
some sort asthma attack

Mon:
east coast
with: abi, aunty sandra, some of the girls: vinee, lavens, darshini,jayanthi
cycling, acting crazy with vinee :)
long bus ride with abi and aunty sandra
slack at bis wit the 2 of them
chat, laugh : Fun :)
meeting
tired
happy

tues:
phone call
underlying message: not much chance
cry
cry cry
novena church
cry cry cry
temple
walk away
cry
puffed panda eyes
cry cry
headache
:(
sleepless night

wed:
black ringed eyes
compose
surrender
pray
trust
temple
home

thurs:
home
time wit mum
blog
dvd's
pray

Hopes and Dreams

2007-06-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

DREAMS:
an inauthentic, false sense of security.
A brief interlude between the reality of the past and the reality of the future.
a pretense.

HOPE:
a temporary garment of relief.
self affirmation of detatchment from worry and fear.
a lie.

Ive been forced to hide both away.
both my hope and dreams
i have folded them into little squares
stacked them neatly at the back of my mind
in the pits of my heart
for they dont matter no more
they dont carve my future
they are little specks that obstruct
reality.

they force me to cling on
to my desires
to what I want
and in the process
push me to forget
that its not about
what i want
but what HE wants for me.

Declaration
Hopes and Dreams aside
'You take the lead. I trust You'

aye He's here

2007-06-06T23:49:00.000-07:00

And i'll look up at the skies
such splendour
and i'll say
aye, He's here

and i'll look at the trees
a strange contrast
against the condemnation
of mens creation
and i'll say
aye, He's here

and i'll look towards white curls
the waves embracing the rocks
and i'll say
aye, He's here

then i'll look beside me
the emptiness stings
and i'll ask
where is He?

he'll reply and say:
give me your hand
and you will feel my presence
right here
embrace my love
my support

He's getting louder
but I'm getting further
and further
and i'll drown in my anger
engulfed
by soul eating mites
known as fear

and will i say
aye, I'm alone
or shall it be
aye, He's here?

my decision to make

hope + surrender

2007-06-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

went to the deans office today
with niva
anisha tagged along
like some pet rat (hehe..sorry dear!)

the funniest thing was that the lady at the desk
was shocked herself..
haha
and if shes shocked.
(she works there!)
seriously what bout me
but im glad
theres a lot of hope in me

and with hope
comes believe

anw
i was doing a bit of thinking
(more thinking than tears todae! :) )
if this is really a test of faith
do i wanna fail??
no
i would want Him to know that
my faiths unwavering
so far
ive failed
but its never too late
so ive changed my whole perspective
altho im still upset
im gng to make an effort to
SURRENDER
and just leave everything at His feet
for.....

"My God is so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY, my God can do anything for me, for me!"
(this was my favourite song in primary school..got actions to it too..hehe..)

update

2007-06-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

4 ppl think its a mistake
one of which is a prof at nus
another one used to lecture there
if it really is
then good
it'll all be solved sooner than i thought it would
BUT
i'll be so mad with them
which i already am lah
just that im capable of gettting more angry
im dead serious bout stuff like that

had i nice convo with a friend
a good fren
whos already there
told her how i never expected to be this affected
told her how i feel so utterly down
and i asked her would she be?
coz i know ppl have told me to move on from the emotions
some have said im getting too stuck in it
some have even used the phrase 'self sympathy'
and she assured me
all these emotions
were normal
that she too would have felt like that
even now too
she said she felt like crying
coz it was just not right

its amazing how the first reaction i get
from people tat i tell
its utter SHOCK
as in really SHOCK
no one can believe it
everyone either thinks sths wrong with the system
or its utterly ridiculous
if they are shock
imagine how i felt when i got the news
beyond shock

out of control

2007-06-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

its no better
tomorrow i will know
at least half of the story
i will call them
and i will find out
if they will keep it for me
or take it away

if its taken away
i have nothing to say
i cringe at predicting
what i will be feeling
or what i will do
:(

devastation

2007-06-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

when i woke up this morning
i kinda forgot it happened
then i remembered
but i seemed calm
so i thought maybe its settling down in me
maybe im getting a hold of myself
went for the yagna
and sudenly all the emotions cameback to me
the anger grew
grew out of proportion
forced me to walk away
forced me to turn my back on him
first time in my life
refused to help in the clearing up
refused to lift a fingure
came back and slept
thru the anger
thru the tears
woke up
and the anger was still burning
strong...
all i feel like doing now
is stupid things
or on a milder note
throwing sth at the wall really hard
but ive got to resist the stupidity

horridness

2007-06-03T00:22:00.000-07:00

didnt sleep at night
AT ALL
talked to HIM
told Him i dont get y it ended up this way
this wasnt the plan
this shouldnt be the end
i still cant take it

had to be at moulmein at 5.30am
cried discreetely
(think ive mastered the art of discreete crying) :)
tough trying my best not to cry
during the filming...

i had horrid thoughts last night
thoughts that scared the hell out of me
coz the urge to execute wat i was thinking was so strong
thank God i met aunty sandra last nite
else i seriously dont know what i would have done to me

sound like a cry baby?
am i over doing the emotions?
try having your dreams all shattered in one night
try feeling all lost without a clue whats going to happen next
Try being given your dream
and having it taken away within a week
Try experiencing real unfairness and shame
try putting on all thats going thru me right now....

thanks to those that understand
thanks to those that have been there
thanks to those that are creating some direction for me

uncle sunthar talked to me for a little while today
what he said was really sweet and nice
but it hurt more
coz if HE thought the same way as uncle
then why always reward me with the shit
why always stick me into a pile of crap
and expect me to find my way out somehow
....
it hurts
hope He knows that

as for now
im going to do whatever i can
and altho this anger is so real
this anger towards Him
is so real
im still going to cling on to Him
for under all this anger
lies the strong love and faith
that i have built up all these years
i cant stop loving Him
no matter what
and somehow
i know he's going to solve this mess for me
for ...
"all things work for good to them that love God"..so says the holy Bible..

and im so gald ive got the centre..
i knew the people there
will always be there for me..thanks to all of them
for they have shown themsleves to be true gems in my life
ALL of them
i know they are doing what they can now too
to get me out of this mess
:)
they are one of the reasons y i still cling to Him
for he's given me them
and i thank Him for that
:)

sad

2007-06-02T00:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when he does things
he doesnt think how much it hurts
he just does it anw
with this excuse
'it makes you stornger'
yeah true
maybe it does
but once in a while
i dont mind things just falling into place
i dont mind hveing everything settled
i dont mind being happy

havent cried this much in a long while
havent felt this shitty in a long while
never been this vulgar
:(

i wish everything settles down soon
please dont give me my dream
then shatter it straight away

i pray that you show me the light soon

this sadness and anger
im afraid is just going to grow
trying to rationalise
but my emotions are quite strong

this cant be happening
tell me its not happening
please
just tell me this is a dream
and its all in my imagination
please

finally!

2007-05-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!!!...TENNISS!!!!..after like dunnoe how many million months...but gladly...i dnt think ive lost it all..played with stace and kez...wore our school clothes so that we wouldnt be stopped or anything..gosh..i seriously felt like i was a student again!!!.....just wish school wasnt soooo farr..then i think i dont mind going back everyday to play!! just like last year...i think tennis is what kept me sane thru A's...rite kez?? (we used to play everyday...every break)..but i think kez and i will be gng back to play next week too..stace, quit your job and join us!!!....miss those those...slacking in the only glamorous, englishy looking plcae of the school - the courts!!...haha..yup we so have to play again soon kez!!!...

back on track

2007-05-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

im finally back on track!
im sure whats my stand in life
i know what i really want
i know whats true friendship
who is true friendship
i know whats joy
i know where happiness can be found
i know what and who is worth it
and will all this knowing
ive become stronger
more than anyone can imagine
the goal is clear
the game is easier... :)
the birth of transformation

you know how some conversations with people can change a lot of things at one go. last night i had one of those sort of conver...yes...with none other than anisha...and we talked so much bout everything thats been happening...and we've got everything sorted out....so i guess that para above speaks for her as well..

"tell me your company and i will tell you who you are"
any idea how much depth this quote has!??
trust me..just pondering on this quote for a little while can open up chapters
of new beginnings..

and so my journey towards transformation has begun
im going to try my very best to stay on this track
and i wont stray
i promise
this is the least i can do for friends
true friends and people in my life

HIS work is all im going to focus on now...
the saturday service project made me realise that
HIS work
brings not only joy
but joy with a meaning and a lesson
joy with an opportunity to grow....
i have been given a chance
a chance to serve Him and others
missing out on this chance
while caught up with trivial wants and thoughts
will be throwing the opportunity to lead
a life of meaning and depth...
im the servant
to a sea of masters
and in serving
i'll be the master to my mind...

And i make new promises for this new chapter of my life...new promises to end a chapter full of
waste..

"take a lesson from the sun who shines his light on everyone"...

To love beyond limit..to forgive..and to give...to serve...
to dwell in thoughts of Him
His name on my tongue, in my mind and in my heart
to dedicate every minute, moment to His glory
to appreciate real love
to praise His name
through the praise called 'service'
to discrimate between whats right and wrong
to listen to my conscience
and to love myself
to stand strong amidst desires
amidst unrighteousness
amidst those that will stand in the way
to stand strong
for Him
for them...them who care..not for what i want, but what i need

these shall be my desires...

exhilarating exhaustion

2007-05-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

goshhhh
so so so so so tired
my feet hurt
and my eyes are gng to close

Yesterday we had a major service project...morning till night ..almost all i did was stand or walk. The old folks were brought out to sentosa and a buddhist temple in the morning. but i couldnt go coz had to decorate the venue for the dinner at night..trust me, being part of the deco team was in no way relaxing. went there at 10 am...and i was standing and runnning around the whole place all the way till 4+...except for a short break in between. i did the outside deco with durga..the rest did the inside....was kinda stressful coz at times we'll realise we didnt have enough of what we needed...but guess what!i think the plcae still looked beautiful at the end of the day...the candles. the white pebbles, the sand, the fish cut outs, the cloth drapes...everything so pretty..He definitely takes care of everything at the end of the day. :)...was super tired by the time i finished the deco..but didnt have much time to relax. went out to go buy baloons...didnt come back with any...by the time i came back there was hardly any time to relax..just had some time to play with the kids for a while..then arnd 6..the old folks came back for dinner...IT WAS SO AMAZING!!!...and then again i was on my feet...but i still had to smile..know y? coz we managed to bring a smile to their faces and in the end..the energy and love that filled the place was so overwhelming..they left arnd 9 30 +..and guess what..still cant sit...had to start clearing up immediately...we finished arnd 11...whoaaaaaaa.was super tired....but the night was still young...

stayed at abis place coz guna and kumaran (her cousins) were in s'pore.and her 1 yr old niece is back!!!..had soooo much fun...laughed like mad...went wandering at 2 am..slept at 4 am...suppose to wake at 7 coz there was a blood donation drive that we were suppose to go and help out at..but guess what..we only woke at 10 30!!!...and the moment i got out of bed and started walking..i had to say 'ouch!!'..my feel hurt so baddddd!!!.coz of yesterdae.....did more standing at the drive...and i donated blood!!!...now at home..damnnn tiredddd..but, i loved this weekend!! i dnt mind every weekend being this way...coz no matter how tired u are..u still have to smile coz of the love and energy that surrounds you..His love translated into love for other ppl :) :) :)...such weekends just gets you thinking..and appreciating the place i belong to..and you know what..im gng to make te most out of it..and thats a promise...for its only coz of such activities, such joy and fun...that life has some depth...and this is truely one of the best weekends ever!!!!! :) :) (just one more thing could have been added to it to make it better...ANISHA!! )...

oh and i learned how to sing a bit of another tamil sonng..heard this song and watched the movie a few times when i was a kid....and i suddenly remebered it...and now (coz of helpful ppl) i know how to sing the first two stanzas...

Nila kaigirathu Magam Thaygirathu
Yarum rasikavilaye
Enthu kangal mathum yunai kaanum

Thandaral Pogintrathu solai seri kaiendrutru
yarum surikavilaye
enthu kaikal mathum yuai theydum

its damnnn nice... :) :) :)

the happiest girl!!!!

2007-05-23T23:00:00.000-07:00

im the most high, most happy girl riht now...
y?????
cozzzzzzzzz
i received a phone call
from MOE!
yesssssssssss
i got it
I GOT IT
i got the scholarship!
i couldnt believe it seriouslyyyyy
like seriouslyyyy

and its so amazing how people are genuinely so happy for me
to illustrate
let me tell u how my conver with anisha is like..

rekha: (practically screeching) guess wat?
anisha: wat??
rekha: guess u pig
anisha:dnt wanttt...wat??
rekha:i got the scholarship!!!
anisha: whaTTTTTTTTT!!!!...OMG
rekha: i knowwww...OMG!
anisha:(starting to screech) OMGGGGG
rekha: OMGGGG..AHHHHHH
anisha: AHHHHhahahahahaha..yayyyyyyyy...that means i can stay with u in hostelllll!!!
rekha: pig...

see...she was so happy for me... she was practically screaming as tho she got it..but yarrrr..super happy..and yes..when she gets to NUS, we'll be staying together.!!!tehres only one person to thank::: HIM!!!

i was thinking
its so amazing how
when such happy things happen
there and then
all the things that upset or anger you
become specks of dust
lost
as a gush of wind
caused by that sudden surge of
overwheming overpowering happiness
blows it all away
proclaiming it trivial
and forgotten
and right nowww
im soooo happyy
that i couldnt care less bout who says what untrue thing bout me
bout who holds a negative perception bout me
coz its their loss
karma will pay close attention to their thoughts and negativity
and right now
all i can say
is that im happy and thankful
everything is falling into place
PERFECTLY

and to top my perfect day..something that i read thats so meaningful and that consoled me further ... confidence reinstilled

Love, as long as life lasts. For Myself, I can say, I shower more blessings
on those who decry or defame Me than those who worship and adore Me! For,
those who spread falsehoods about Me derive joy therefrom; I am happy that I
am the cause for their exultation and joy. You too must accept this line of
argument and be very happy when someone derives joy by defaming you. Do not
respond by defaming that person; then, the chain of hatred will bind both
and drag both down. Life will become a tragedy. Conquer anger by means of
fortitude; conquer hatred by love. Do not feed anger with retaliation; do
not feed hatred with fury. Forget and forgive all that has happened amongst
you until this very moment; start a new chapter of love and brotherhood from
now on.

21.05.07

2007-05-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

early mornnnn:

i hardly got any slp last nite..barely 2 hrs actually..not a very good thing considering i had an interview 2dae. had to get up early...y??? coz i was gng to meet clement at 8 30!!!!...yaeshhhh clement ho wei jian!!!...my ultimate buddy and accomplice in jc nonsense. its been so loonggggggg since i saw him..he looks taller actually..and definitely more muscles!!!! mr commando!!! followed him back to JJ...and omg..i realised this is the first time im gng to boon lay side this whole year..damn far frm my place lah...its like bus to novena mrt frm my place..train ride all the way down to boon lay, then bus again..gosh..talk bout FAR!! anw..ms mardi was on MC.. super sad..coz then there wasnt really anyone to tok to since mdm pathrose, or rather karol, has shifted to PJ...saw mr dore tho..as cute as ever...and of crs his eyes are as blue as ever...but guess wat...ms mardi said meet her at te macs near jurong west market..(she misses us a lot too)..slacked there...talked a lot of rubbish...laughed a lot..yeap..then i had to say bye to both..

interviewww!:
yesh..todae was teh dae..for the scholarship interview...at MOE HQ...abi came with me..but she had to stay in the lobby...she waited for me k...for like 2 hrs!!!!guess real friends do exist (thanks sweetheart!)...tehre were like 4 ppl waiting in frnt of me..gosh..i was bored..so i just kept praying...then the girl sitting next to me suddenly turns to me says hi..and we reallllyyyy started toking..we had a lot in common...both of us are the englishyyy drama sort...she too took lit hist econs...anw...yar...time went by faster tat way...i wa sthe last to be interviewed...kinda scary ... but i didnt show it..couldnt of crs..not a good idea...they asked a lottttt of quest...it was ok...they laughed sometimes...dnt ask me y...anw..i did my best...as in really...i gave all i could, now the rest is up to Him...i could definitely use this scholarship...but watever the outcome is...its His will..and i'll just keep praying....

by HIS side

2007-05-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

His hands have always been stretched out
His heart always open
He's been walking next to me
all this while
right there by my side

its me
im the problem
my heart was closed
my hands clasped tight
ive been walking away
never at His side
just away

But i woke up one day
a week ago
and i told myself
im walking beside Him
now and forever more
I took His hand
and since then
ive never let go
My daily accomplice
my pocket pal
whatever
I bring Him wherever i go
for thats what He wants
for us to just walk by him
and when youre by His side
your step's in sync with His
everyday
every moment
is just happy happy happy
for what can go wrong when Youve got Him
my pocket pal for life
i'll bring Him everywhere i go...

with them again

2007-05-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

another day out with rania and shiva...and as usaul....it was nothing but fun, crazy, fun, crazy. played pool again..i got bored of of being the loser so i just went around taking photos..haha.of myself too..sticked to wearing my shades coz my eyes still swollen... :( ... we watched a 'romantic comedy' called 28 weeks later..or is it 'days..ah ...whatever...yar..such a sadddd 'romantic' movie...roamed around vivo then town...yup...greattttttt dayyy!!...adn of coz...lot of photos!!

sick....

2007-05-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

left eye is swollen
cough cough cough
(then again ive been coughing since the time i had tat stupid asthma attack in march)
and, duh, the more i cough, the more i wheeze, the moe i wheeze, the more i cant breath
my fault tho, im suppose to be banned from cold drinks
but would rekha reddy listen???
noooooooooooooooo
ysterday: bandung with lot of ice, lime juice...
siigghh
i must never end up in the emergency ward again
its horrid!!

a brief explanation of y the emergency ward is horrid, and why rekha reddy hates it:

you go to the counter at the entrance
you cant breath
your gasping
loudly
and they ask whos the patient???
like duh, its ME

and the guy says to my mum
get a wheelchair
and im like,
NO
im not sitting in a wheelchair
i can walk
and the guy says
NO...you cant breath
you HAVE to sit in the wheelchair
arghhh
so i have no choice
and immediately
a nurse comes
and wheels u away
you have NO IDEA whats happening
they wheel you from person to person
and they talk GREEK!!!
well they talk science (eww..in front of an arts person!!blasphemy!!)
but i cant say much since i already cant breath
they put a mask on ur face
and blasts a smelly gas...
for a longgg time

and then you think you can go home..
oh nooo
they are far from done
chest x ray!!
the radiologist says
'you ok, can you stand up?'
goshhhh
they make it sound like ur dying
thats over quite fast
then they wheel you the see the doctor
and he says..
we're not letting you go home tilll we give you 4 more nebulizers
and till you can breathe normally and your chest dsnt hurt
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
by now, y heads really pain
and i wanna go home :(
but no
they put that mask on me again
and again
and again
for teh next 2 hours
just breathing in that smelly gas

and thats y the emergenncy ward sucks, and im never going back there agin!

1 reply..

2007-05-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Another day has gone by and still no reply from NUS...tomorrows a new week, hope it comes then..an ecceptance letter or course, not a rejection one...

butttttt...friday around 5...i get a phone call, 'hello, im calling form MOE scolarship unit, and i would like to know if you are free for an interview on the 21st?'...OMG..i wanted to scream on the phone..if i could fly thru the phone and give this lady a hug, i would have done that too....:) :)...and i just said..'of course!!'..i was like grinning form ear to ear..i bet that lady could guess that form the tone of my voice..and i was thinking..'bloddy hell, your asking if im free??? even if i was getting married on that day, i would have cancelled it and gone for the interview!' we're toking bout a scolarship here...u know, free education..hostel fees..exchange programme covered...weeeee...but calm down rekha..youve only gone thru the first hurdle- getting to the interview..theres still one more - getting the scholarship itself!!!...pray, pray and only prayer... (thanks for everyrones prayers)

KIDS!

2007-05-11T01:57:00.000-07:00

i love
i love
i love
i love kidsssssss

theyre just so free from everything we are slaves to
ego, pride, anger, ... ect
look into the eyes of a kid and you'll know what i mean
its just filled with joy
pure bliss

as many of you know, i worked for a child care for two months at the beginning of the year..and you know what, i dare say that was the best experience of my life...
everytime i was upset, scared (results hadnt come out yet)....just the sounds of my kids, or the hugs, or even their naughtiness wld ineveitably make me feel better...

abi had the privilege of meeting these kids...i taught every class but my favourites came from the N1's (2-3 yr olds)...theres damien, yi tat, jobina, jaden, gillian, desmond and the 18th month old, tessa..
and the one who just stole my heart: yi tat...
i loved him so so so so so much...
i rmb comming back to work aft 2 days of MC, he came running to the gate with the most gorgeous smile and chirped "carry, carry, carry", with his arms stretched above him towards me...and i picked him up and asked wheres my hug? and he'l give the smallest yet warmest and cutest hug EVER..i always saw him off when he went home...helped him put his shoes on..and b4 he goes i'll say '"hug, hug"..and he'l give me on of those healing hugs again...and a kiss on my cheek...just selfless pure love...to imagine we were all just filled with that kind of love .. if only it stayed and never got tainted my the anger that we are so engulfed by...i'l always miss yi tat...and all the other kids..but theres adorable ones in the centre...all my cuties, and theres roshini, abis niece, who by default becomes my niece..shes comming back in June,,weeeee...so excited.

and so, with that said, when i grow up, illl definitely want to have kids of my own...and i actually went searching for nice meaningful sanskrit names (yes im very free.)..and it'l be one of the following, i reserve them..no ones allowed to name their kids by the following hehehe

Girl: Tara (star), Asha (hope), Harsha (happiness), Manisha (godess of the mind), Priti (love), Akhila (complete), Amisha (beautiful)..

Boy: Akshat (uninjurable), Nilesh (Lord Krishna), Dhiren (one who is strong)..Zevesh

and..my sir name will be in their names..who ever said only the family name of the husband has to be passed down. so for exampla, if my daughters name is Tara, her full name will be: Tara reddy-(my husbands sir name).....yeah!....

how well do u noe me?

2007-05-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

quick, take my test...its on the side of the page...10 questions. easy? that depends on u..so exciting...i shall treat the person who gets all right to a drink :)...good luck!

scared

2007-05-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

yikes double yikes
another week
and still no letter
checked online..it says
'application processing'
yikes
wats taking them so long????!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!?????
plsssss
scareddddd

fun quizes

2007-05-09T02:56:00.000-07:00

m bored..and this wat ppl do when they are bored...they do fun quizes..no wait .. actually im not that bored...but thesee things are just fun lah...yay...

You Will Die at Age 82

Congratulations! You take good care of yourself.
You're poised to live a long, healthy life.
What Age Will You Die?

yay..im living a longg life..tat meas all of u are stuck with me till im 82!...yay...(this the part where u say hurrah)

walaoooo...see the word INNOCENT starring at u..i hate it..i was just venting on one of my frenz last nite how pissed i get when some1 (everyone) thinks im innocent...!!!...im not..it makes me sound abnormal...sighhhh..oh well anw, stole this off mellies blog..(thx mel)...and guess wat, she too is the bubble!!!hehe..but really ah..i tell u , if anyone dares use the word on me - 'innocent', i wont hesitate to give one tight slap...u bet

crazy as ever

2007-05-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

yup

my predictions rite

we've still got it
what?
craziness!!!!!...
the good all days at st margs
no wait
in order to honour i shall say

ST MARGARETS SECONDARY!!!

my warm choc cake frm starbucks...yummmy

the good old days

little dweepy girls
clad in green polka dots
sceaming screeching
laughing gigling
those were the days
and now
meeeting tonite.. just the 3 of us
mellie me and nanz
i a lil dfferent in surface...

i love mellie!...and the fork..haha

but im glad to say
we havent changed one bit
in heart...
crazy as ever!!!!

i think as usual
we laughed both pasta mania cine
and starbucks down
we remembered all those crazy times

stuffing my face with my choc cake :)

a couple of years ago...
they remembering how i laughed till i fell to the floor
they tickling me and pulling my shoes and socks of
eh
u notice ah
im always the victim!!!!
but thoe were really the days
i'll always treasure those moments
and glad we met todae
21 st JUNE sleepover...
im getting my revenge on tat nite
muahahahahahahaha

nanz, mellie, me!..the craziest trio ever

smss will always stay close to my heart
(my daughter is gng there..i dnt care!)
and the friends, or should i say sisters?
will always stay special
:)

clap my hands

2007-05-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

clap my hands
for im happy
and i know it

a long long day at the temple today
meeting, B practice, meeting
after that went to sentosa!!
for dinner
farewell to uncle ramdas and family
long tiring day
overload of meetings
but fun nonetheless
and im happy!

angers gone
just couldnt care
let whatever be
not numb
just pure happiness
:)

im surrounded by love
friendship
and more love
and theres Him
ive been neglecting Him
better give Him more focus ;)
so many people
that just love
and care
alll arround me!
what more do i want? (besides a acceptance letter frm NUS..plsss)
a future to look forward to
excitement
11-31st july
just cant wait
pure happiness
:)
clap!clap!

cherish the past, bring it to the future

2007-05-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

somehow when at that moment
when time stops
i regret every mistake of the past
and i couldnt care less
about the trivial importance
that my mind has placed
on people of utter insignificance
for i realise that
for some people in my life
people who have been there
years
i'll give up the world
i would have given the emo crap
months ago
to just realise
the time to let go
is just around the corner
and with that realisation
i would have cherished every moment .

but even when the decision is made
i know that
you will be there
just like in the past
for the past is not a vessel of lies
its moments to cherish
moments to be repeated
growing up
is not always
going away....
and with that
i confidently say
the person u were to me
will always be
:)

rope me in again.

2007-05-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

i think ive been too distant
too distant from your presence
too distant from your love.
rope me in again i ask
your the only one i wish to think of
for theres no one else worth
thinking about.
i have wasted my minds energy..
for some time now.
please rope me in again.
All the worthless thinking
pondering
has ended up in
hurt
and now
anger
just anger.
But this anger is not me.
its just in me
take that away too
and
rope me in again
please.

another bdae!

2007-05-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

nainas (daddys) bdae today!!...my childhood sweetheart haha (no kidding, i wanted to 'marry' him)....small celebration- family lunch then cut cake...

bdae celebration!

2007-05-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

todaes...no wait its 12 am alraedy, yesterday was anishas bdae!...yes my one and only sister!...her bdae...so this was the plan...

i meet sharania at arnd 3..we go play pool, then around 6m we meet the birthday girl!...but guess wat! anisha got out of school early...so the plan changed

met her at novena at 2 45..then went down to town to meet sharenia...and sharania brought a surprise for both of us!...it was small..hehe...slightly taller than me...it was shiva!both anisha and me didnt know he was cmming...so yar, even i was HAPPILY surprised

Thai express! went there first to eat!....i tell u...we were laughing so much, we couldnt even order! shiva lah...and ok sharania! all your fault...so lameeeeeeeee...as usual, but funny...so so funny... anisha and i was saying they should be stand up comedians...and they were like but we're sitting down. see what i mean!!!! haha... and shiva couldnt get over the thai names of the dishes..he kept saying it..."kua gum bo nam peng"..it sounded like he was uttering vulgarities...no shiva...nxt time, pls stick to eng/tamil....hehe...u know what, if anyone ever thought of joining a laughing club or sth, no need, just hang out with shiva and sharania can already

went to play pool at lucky plaza after eating...and as usual...i suck at pool!!!...but this time, i had anisha, whos as bad at it as me...so didnt look as bad as the last time..heh. but even during pool, it was as though were were in some comedy lah!!....gosh...laughing medicine overdose!

and anisha ditched us at arnd 6 30....hope my dearie enjoyed herself..then i went with the 2 mangos to watch a movie tat only suits mangos...argh, spiderman 3....see lah...hu was that big buffalo who kept saying he wanted to watch that movie!...omg...this i must say..one part of the movie, some old guy told peter parker...call the girl and say, ur a nice man, and shes a nice girl...and that shiva, know what he did...he called me! yes, he's sitting next to me, my phone starts to buzz..i check...and its like shiva calling me!..to say hes a nice guy and im a nice girl...gosh....hahahahaha...even during the movie...the 3 of us kept laughing..like i said laughing medicine overdose....the movie already so lame, then i sit beside one lame mango...poor me...

now its time for pics!

shivas plate!!! after he cleared everything on it, and waited for me to pay the bill!

gosh i cant take the lamenes! KA-POW!!!

hello lucky plaza toilet mirror!

we're trying to copy 'the' shivas pose....dnt think we passed :(

YIKES!

2007-05-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

yikes...correction to the previous post!..NUS has started giving out letters of acceptance!! yikes, double yikes...mine better come to my mail box soon, and i mean soon...shiversss

UNI!!??

2007-05-02T01:01:00.000-07:00

u see..its funny, im super excited to be a student in NUS..but guess wat,,,i havent got a reply from them, so dont know if i have a place in NUS...well then again, no one has got a place inNUS...they havent started giving out letters...think that will only happen in June..whatever it is...i really really really hope i get a place there...arts and soci!!! the coolest fac...

anyway, i haevnt got a reply from MOE about the MOE scholarship that i applied for.. i havent got a letter about getting, or about not getting it..so i really dnt noe...actually, dont reallt know whether i want it...yeah sure, its def a boon, coz everythings paid for ...frm tutorial fees to exchange programmes to hostel fees...but, i have to do a teaching sub in the uni, that means i cant do political science! (which is what i really really really want to do)...so if i dont get the scholarship, i can go ahead with majoring in PS....if not, i'll just settle with history...being a teaches cool...but now im thinking, i wouldnt mind working for the ministry of foreign aff...who knows, one day i might rise up to be some big shot in ASEAN!...i love all these things related to politics..i find politics itself so interesting...

now im beginning to regret, not trying for law...coz some1 i know, had the same core sub grades as me...and applied for law!!!!!....but oh well...no point regretting...dnt think can get in also...heard 1000 ppl applied!

2007-05-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

i will tell them every detail of my life,
for they have walked me thru
life itself.
given me love, support
more than i can ask for.
They will NEVER hurt me.
I will trust them...
and i will give my support back
in my own little way.
For He has sent them into my life
and in my life they will stay.
They are more important,
than many other people.
And i know,
they will continue to give me
that same kind of love and support.
and they will always stay close to my heart,
for they are worth it.
I will confidently stand up for who they are in my life:
mentors, friends, family. :)

another great day

2007-04-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

yes, it was another great great
great day.
i think if i start realising things,
start looking around,
i would for once,
be aware that,
ive got so so many,
people that care,
so many friends,
that i can count on for laughter, joy and fun..

yesterday i played one of the craziest pool games with shiva and sareniya..crazy y? OMG i tel u, the two of them damn lame lah...but super funny. i laughed till my stomach hurt so much...and of course i was the only one who looked like an idiot..coz i suck at pool ... and i suck even more next to shiva...coz tat guy is damn good at the game. when we went against each other, i lost quite fast haha...i just depend on all the free balls. HELP! some1 teach me pool...anw, yar, it was so much fun..thanks guys... :)

fade faster pls

2007-04-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

12- 2 last nite
one of the most 'feel good' conver
in a long long while..
a friend that i know
i can count on
forever... :)

the really harsh truth:
we dont get to choose
our feelings, our emotions
we can just do our best..
to resist them
to overcome them
the rest is out of our control

whats with these feelings anw?
where do they come from..
see if i didnt choose it
its gng to be tough
to choose to let go of it
BUT
thanks to the wonderful friendship
thats surrounds me
its fading
fading
fading....

:)

just hope it fades faster...

girls nite out

2007-04-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

so happy!!...tonight was great! met up with my st margs friends (nanthini, carina, ya hui, ai xuan, jing and evelyn). well the plan was suppose to be dinner at esplanade thai express...but when we got there it was just way 2 crowded. so we went to to marina instead...had good good fun...we talked...i talked bout all the stuffs thats been happening..everyones real sweet...in different ways they each made me feel better... i realised i miss days at st margs so so much...as in the time with these girls...and others..i think its not just friendship... its like being sisters....I MISS U GUYS!!!!!

there we are :)

my darrling!!... muackz!

(anw..more photos on friendster)

the nature of conversations...

2007-04-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

went to the temple to help as usual todae...the nice part came after the whole thing....just a few of us stayed downstairs to eat supper..and we listened to uncle mathi tell nice stories :) laughed a lot...

but its funny..how ppl start with a conver..and it links to one conver to another...and in the end, the conver that you end up with is so far from what u began with...lets use todaes conver as an example...

ppl present: (me, abi, achu, uncle mathi, uncle ramesh, aunty sumathy)

so heres how it goes..
1.it starts by uncle mathi making fun of my Tamil..then he says i can act as those ppl in tamil dramas..those ppl who speak tamil with accents...
2. So i tell Him to get me the role..im ready to act..and he tells me np...he's suppose to be a director...'im suppose to be a director..or singer also can..but both didnt happen' (haha)
3. then..dont know how.it ended up with him telling the twins and i how he resisted alcohol and smoking in the army...
4. then somewhere while he was telling his story...some flying insect came near us..and all the females, naturally screamed, screeched..ran..
5. uncle mathi starts laughing, together with uncle ramesh
6. and they start talking bout white coakroaches!
7. after this uncle mathi tells us about black cats near his home! (told you it'll keep linking till theres no link!)
8. And now guess where we end up!! we start having a sathsang! bout the whole idea of rebirth!...
9. Uncle Mathi talks about a book he read..about past births..and then all the adults start telling the twins and I stories about rebirth!!....

see, point proven!...we start by talking bout my Tamil, and we end up in a spiritual conversation bout karma.lol!, now wheres the link??

But the whole thing was so fun!..laughed a lot (i needed it)....and gosh we sat there talking for so long! over mee siam, sambar and plain water ! :)

numb=sweet

2007-04-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

emotions died down.
feelings at its lowest.
tears no more..
its gone!
FINALLY!
over...gone...thank heaven!

its lays really subtle ,
deep in the pits of my heart.
But from subtle,
i can feel it going to..
'no more'.
Its ending...
winters gone.
springs here.
im free from the clutches of my emotions.

But is that what i really want?
its an eclipse of the heart
from full to empty
its almost hollow now.
coz i was forced to empty it out,
to spill out the emotions..
now im numb.

With a huge sigh,
i'll declare,
im allowing the eclipse,
to remain there,
for some time more...
And i'll tolerate the numbness.
for right now,
(with the immense burden,
that came with the feeling of hurt;
the dominant emotion for past weeks)
thats the sweetest feeling.
Numb.

last days of winter

2007-04-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

Winter was suppose to end
a couple of weeks ago.
My emotions dragged it
to last till this minute.
And its still winter...

But I squint,
squint hard
(after all, im myopic)
and there in the distance,
i see the flowers, the sun,
the birds, the river.

Spring.
Its here at last.

My cheeks were wet.
Hardly ever dry.
For that mysterious liquid
they call tears,
has been flowing.

Even through winter,
It didnt freeze.

But just this afternoon
i shed the last couple of drops.
Clueless to why they appeared,
this afternoon.
But they're drying up.

The tear stains
remain there tonight.

By morning tomorrow,
They'll be gone.
And this whole drama,
would have ended.
The emotions are far out at sea :)

too nice?

2007-04-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

and i still get this comment. "your too nice"

sigh

compliment? you think?

well, i guess...

but if it pushes ppl away frm u
makes ppl cautious with you
then it becomes upsetting
.....

the mind

2007-04-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

the mind hates to be free
when it is
it grabs something
occupies itself..

my mind has been doing exactly that...

but
theres a challenge
a game
a fight
for me to take up
to hold my mind
subordinate to me

I am of authority
I am authority.
so back of.
mind. people.

always be happy
life is a miracle in the human race
joys and sorrows in life will come
treat them like passing clouds and sing the Lords grace
love all serve all
giving love and kindness is the way of life
open up your hearts
rainbows and sun shine
will come into your life.

the jakarta gangster.

2007-04-19T20:27:00.001-07:00

A tribute..
to an old friendship...
never lost....
never gone.

shes an A1,
im an F9...
shes a deer,
im an elephant,
shes beauty,
im the beast.

guess that old saying
"opposites attract"
goes for friendship too.

i missed her,
i miss her,
and im still missing her.
more now,
coz i know,
with all thats happening in my life now
the hurt, the emotions,
everthing,
the drama,
would take less time
to heal
if she was here.

coz we went thru..
what you need to go thru
from the age of 13- 16

to novena church
at 5 am...
"rekha, i want a hashbrown"
did u say that?
anw
"here you go"
i'll say.
"hello, rekha pls"
or it'll be
"hello, michelle pls.."
or i'll cry
and sometimes,
you'll cry.
and i'll laugh,
and you'll laugh.

we havent seen each other in 3 years..
that bum had to move to the states...
but somehow,
i dont feel the lost in connection,
yeah i miss her,
the convenience of picking up the phone,
having her next to me
(its easier o make fun of her height that way)
i guess thats real friendship
you dont have to be in the same country
or you dont have to talk every week
to feel love for the person
you may be countries, continents
apart
and you still feel love
(dont worry, we're both straight)
I MISS YOU IDIOT!
come back soon
:)

KA-POW

2007-04-19T20:15:00.000-07:00

ka-pow, ka-ching
and im free!

why in colour?
or why in different colours?
coz thats what freedoms like.
you start having choices.
you get to choose
this or that
right or left.
and when you choose
you make your journey
and you walk on
never turning back
never heaving
a sigh of regret.
and i gladly say
now im free!
KA-POW!

im too nice.
im too nice.
im too nice.
am i?
well thats what lots of people say.
i dunnoe u know.
i think ive changed quite a bit
mean u want?
sure.
fierce u want?
no problem
back to nice?
sure, if u want...

and its like that.
u have the power to choose.
i have the power to choose.
:)

ka-pow, ka-ching,
im free!

TAMIL

2007-04-18T03:17:00.000-07:00

as part of my learning journey to malaysia with abi and achu..my tamil has improved. cross my fingers..i learned new words u know..shall list them (for those of you who know tamil, dont mind my spelling)

1. puchandi (monster)
2. pada (sleep)
....

ok thats it..uhoh...looks like im still stagnant at a F9...sigh...but my tamil song singing has improved...now i really cross my fingers...listen to this::

yelah yelah yelah, yelah yelah ma
yelah yelah yelah yelah yelah yelah ma
randaka randaka randaka randaka

alrite...so maybe thats not exactly tamil..like kumeresh said, its like saying u know a new english song then all that comes out from your mouth is 'la la la la la la la ..'
so the above was the new 'tamil' song i came back with
but....it was hardly a tamil song. so due to my enthusiasm in mastering the tamil language, i decided to learn at least one stanza of the song with kumeresh being my tamil song teacher...so here goes ..

andak kakka konda kari
randaka randaka randaka randaka
atchi vella konda kari
randaka randaka randaka randaka
ayya veeduk kandak kari
randaka...
ayira meenu kanmuk kari
randaka...

so there goes my first actual tamil song...i tried singing it many times...and each time i sing it, i have one goal im mind: to make it sound more like tamil...why? coz right now, even i have to admit..i seriously sound like im singing a malay song. (btw, i have no idea what it means) sigh. wait. just wait. one day i shall be a tamil literary genius. after all, hardwork always pays of at the end of the day.

thanks to, not abi and achu, kumaran and guna (they're cousins)...over the one week, i actually started appreciating tamil ... i even know a tamil alliteration :mudu mudachi (tie three knots on the tali. i.e, get married) my 2007 goal: learn more tamil songs and speak more PROPER tamil..uhoh..HELPPP....

i shall close by singing all of u another tamil song. enjoy.

1...2...3...4...here goes

all over the world i like to see my indian girls
salanga oli mukuthi alagi ...(something)... indian girls
so sexy in theyre silky sarees, country indian girls
..(something something)...kumkum pottu thali..something..mudu mudachi?

not bad huh? i actually like that song..the beat's good..oh well...to all my tamil friends out there..dont be useless..do some good with ur tamil language knowledge...teach me!

friendship

2007-04-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

Now people, lets define friendship
no i changed my mind...lets not
its too subjective...
i cant contain it within a single definition...
so lets just leave it
to each of our own judgement
the reason..
the past few weeks...or maybe a month
I have opened my eyes to the true meaning of friendship
and in its light
im forced to reconsider my initial definition of friendship...
a person i say one sentence to...is that friendship?
a person i spend hours with but cant confide in...is that it?
a person i can confide in, but hardly has any time for me??
i have no idea...

by my side

2007-04-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

He is more than tomorrow
no less than the night
greater than sunset
no less than the sight
He is there in the morning
when you open your eyes
as you sleep He's above you
to hold up the skies

His students would drop anything for Him...its automatic for them...now i wonder...why cant it be the same for me. Today i give my word..to drop all than i'm feeling for Him..to allow conciousness to rise over emotions. who needs the sun, moon, who needs other sources of love, who needs the mountains and the stars, who needs mars and all the other planets...who needs anything, when i've had Him by my side all this while. I may not know it, i still have no evidence to prove it, but i'll keep searching and trying my best, to hold on strongly to the love that i know He surrounds me with...and one day, hurt will never be...it'll never cross my path...for i know, everyone will leave...except Him..He'll stay, no matter what...so fly away emotions.

dont trust ppl....NO ONE

2007-04-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

u know ... some ppl have said that im too innocent...others say naive...some even go to the extent of using the word immature...i hate these descriptions of me...but rite at this very moment in time...maybe i'll acccept such desriptions...for a simple reason that ive just experienced one of the harsh realities of life ... ppl cant be trusted... no one... the whole thing bout i fur feeling something that u need help with, or u need to confide in some1...and that someone should be a friend...dsnt exist....dont tell anything to anyone...coz u never know who will be the one to let ur secrets out...it cld even be ur closest friend..or not...dsnt matter..bottomline is theres no measurement for trust...

in malaysia...

2007-04-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

yeshhh....rite now at this very moment..im in KL..oh boy,, its been long since i visited malaysia...here with abi and achu...we have big planss....sunway lagoon lah...to genting...to major shopping...and even maybe a little re-connection to spirituality by going to batu caves...butttttttttt.....we havent done any of it...so yar....hahas...but still having loads of fun...and its a good break from lots of realities that i don want to face back in s'pore....i rode on a motorcycle!!first time...i must say im not a bad rider..lol...anw...the only bad part is...im still distracted...very distracted actually...by it all....

HECK!

2007-04-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

my new motto for life...just HECK!...im going to start hecking everyones opinin of me...right or wrong...just HECK!...i thing ive bothered enough already...ive been hurt too many times...anw...i think the root if many emotions and problems is just that i care too much sometimes...too sensitive???i dnt noe...and u noe wat...i dnt care coz if ppl cant accept me for who i am, just too bad...anw...now i officially announce to the world that i HECK!

The Upside of Anger

2007-04-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

(ending lines of the movie..very meaningful and true)

its real though, the fury, even when it isnt. It can change you, mould you into someone your not. The only upside to anger then is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realises that its not afraid of its journey. Someone that knows that truth is at best a partially told story; that anger like growth comes in spurts and fits and in its wake leaves behind a new chance of acceptance and the promise of calm.

i love this little para..its so true..and it means a lot..the movie too is good...go watch it....

Too long a break

2007-04-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

Ive been on hiloday for 4 months now...gosh...im getting pretty bored of slacking actually. i noe this sounds way too freaky, but i miss studying...only 2 subjects lah..lit and history...esp lit...really...i seriously miss studying.. i still remember how i was dying last year during A's..haha. i swear i was suicidal. but that was too much of studying lah. i remember being afraid to sleep and take baths coz i thought that was like time away frm studying...only slept frm like 3-6...even on holidays.. I WAS MAD!..ok, to some, i still am mad..in the end i dint get the grades i wanted..bye bye to law...sob..tho ppl have asked me to just try and appeal to law and if i get rejected go to SMU law...i dnt think i want to. A's already cant go thru witout being suicidal...imagine how i would be if i took law...confirm end up in IMH. anw, back on track...yar..too long man the holiday..and still got 3 mnths to go...boy...tats damn long. but oh well, theres still stuff i have yet to do....

1. go cycling at sentosa...its been a year!
2. take squash, fencing and horse back riding lessons (i need more cash for tat)
3. go to korea (i love korean guys!) and japan (thats not going to happen)
4. go to the zoo (dont ask me y)
5. re furnish my parents room
6. do relief teaching (which im suppose to already be doing)
7. climb mt himalaya
8. go to escape (sorryyy...i noe..a bit slow..i havent been there yet!)
9. more shopping
10. meet up wit sec sch peeps..

yar..i'll list ten first..yess..theres more..btw, next wee i'll be gng to KL wit abi and achu...shoppppinggggggggg!!!!!weeee.... i want to do lots of that....well...i need to get away...im too distracted in S'pore...i have to take my mind away frm certain circumstances and ppl for a week...do a bit of thinking...haiz...still confused..anw...im getting too excited bout NUS...lets see if i get in first..haha...still wondering if i should join squash or fencing..actually wanted tennis... (again, I MISS TENNIS!)...but they dnt have rec..dnt want to be commited to any team... i miss debates a lot..but no way am i joining NUS debate team ....

weekend

2007-04-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Saturday...seva...(community service) at red cross home...boy...dont think ive done cleaning to this extent in a long while..we cleaned the back windows...ewwwwwww...grosss...and i stood on the ladder till my feet hurt and i cleaned till my hands became red and wrinkly...haiz..im such a nice girl lol...but oh well..it ended up to b fun and fruitful...interacted a bit with the residents...remember we went there about two years ago to interact with them..so i recognised a couple of them...sunday..class as usual...it was good i guess...we had extra time..there was a basketball..so we ended up playing for awhile...yeap...thats my weekend...nothing different... and like i said..i hate recounting...so ... we end.

A new fav song

2007-03-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

THE FRAY LYRIC - "How To Save A Life"

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

miss those 'rafael' days.

2007-03-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Tennis, tennis courts, fighting over rafael, stalking, harassing ms mard and otehr teachers...staying back till 10pm, debate, drama pract, getting stress, maggie mee from SPC, cheddar and broccolli soup, cafe-ing, skipping euro hist, EVERYTHING!!!!....believe it or not, i miss that short 1 and a half years in JJ. (of course there are many things that i dont miss as well..haha)...u noe waht i miss most...i miss hanging out with my peeps, rotting in the canteen...feeling guilty together coz we know that we should actually be studying and not slacking...with kez sereney stace....and CLEMENTT!!..omg..that guy..we used t call so often..not hes in ns (commando, mind you..haha) i only have short talks on msn...haizzz...im actually gald i ended up in JJ...coz i met all these ppl..and did all kinds of crazy stuff...sigh....Bye to those days.

Once Pure

2007-03-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

An empty block.
A blotch of black;
another then another.
Once fully white,
now just cracks.
The black spreads on.
It hurts, I cringe.
A tarnished life,
once so pure.
I stretch my hand,
no one at the other end.
Silence, not his voice,
numbness, not his touch.
I want you Oh Lord;
pass me another block.
White without blotches;
love, purity, sanctity.

Wish i had guts

2007-03-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

Some people just have guts the size of an elephant. Right now, i wish i were like these people. I wish i had ebough guts to go to this particular someone and just say all that i need to say, expose my thought feelings..ect. and then pick up even more guts to ask him what he really thinks of me. But the truh is, im really this scared shy girl who would probably never dare do anything like that. So i dont have much choice but to just go with the flow and accept things as they come. If i could just grab some courage, maybe i could move away from this stagnant position and create a shorter pathway to a happy ending..or create at least some hope of a happy ending. So tell me what shoul i do...let go of my personality, conscience and what i know to be the right thing, and do something beyond courageous for me...or hang on to this cover up, this facade, and let fate and destiny take its place? Confused. Beyond confused. My life encompasses secrets that can never be revealed for the better of my future becouse its hidden under fear and worry. He'll never know what lies in the depths of my mind..and likewise, i'll never know what lies within his. Tho happy with every small moment, i'll continue to be upset, very upset about this stagnant situation im in.

Dream...Fate...Faith

2007-03-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

If I die tomorrow, you will remain a mystery forever;
It seem like dreams are the furthest it will get.
I tell myself that this is all a hallucination,
But my heart replies that i'm clearly lying.
If i were to be honest, hurt is inevitable.
You have caused this dillemma,
Yet it is you who clears my mind.
Why couldnt you just have stayed as a face in the crowd?
I have restricted myself for the sake of those i love.
I have made a promise that now traps me.
At times, the urge to break this promise grows strong;
Yet I know I cant.
So I hope that my life will last really long,
Until the moment comes when I'm right beside you.
But then i will have to base my dreams on fate,
for that time can never come.
You may not be there when i finally open my heart.
If you were, your heart would have accomodated another.
It's sad to think that It'l be long till i wake from this dream.
It hurts to think that when I do, fate would play against me.
All i ask is for you to give me a chance,
to open you heart before i open mine.

Sai Awareness night

2007-03-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

went to meet manges at one...ended up rushing to queensway shopping centre to get the door gifts punched...the poor girl looked so tired. left queesway arnd 4 and went to PGP...nostalgia man...stayred there for a week for pre-u seminar...trust me, the outside lloks like some resort...but u'll think again once u see the rooms.

anyway, the best part of the event was the 2 performances...the first by thiru and gang and the second my naresh and sai vig...both were equally smashing...2 bad bands dnt usually appreciate choir like voices..haha...anw,,, i dont like re -counting stuff...its pretty boring. so im ending here!

Smile Now, Cry Later

2007-03-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what you really want for yourself and your life. these two are questions that i refuse to face at this point of time. Sometimes you know what your doing is completely ridiculous. You know that what your doing is just going to bring about hurt and tears in future. But the problem is, you cant let go of what your doing now, your feelings and emotions, because the sweetness of the present circumstance is too good to give up. I want to let go of these emotions and feelings coz i'll know it'll never be. but at the same time i dont want to. the thought of the present puts a smile on my face, the thought of the future makes me cringe. Dont worry tho,i have this feeling that somethings gng to happen soon that will force me to re think my thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions. to just let go.

A New Beginning

2007-03-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

ok, so i guess im not blogger material am i? havent updated my previous blog for like the past 4 mths or so. and when i want to update it, guess what?i realised i forgot my password and username.haha. i promise to do better at this one...